A Not-So-High-Profile Life

Collision Course

2012-01-29T20:20:00.001-05:00

If you follow me on Twitter I had posted about this song a while a go. I find it really uplifting especially when driving. Have a listen!

First post of the new year, not much has happened, still busy with school thats about it. How are you?

My more recent activity can be found on my Tumblr!

Sensitized

2011-12-24T22:47:00.001-05:00

"Blogger is still the realm of people who want to say more than a few vacuous words and post some self-serving pics. Mostly blogger requires some time for thoughtful expression that our over-stressed society often does not provide. If you want to read empty-headed narcissistic nonsense then go for Twitter, but a blog is where you can find how a person really feels about things. - Wayne"

Couldn't have said it better myself.
Via. My Life by Ethan

On My Radar

2011-12-21T17:02:00.000-05:00

I've come to find out that the qualities I possess in which initially attract people ultimately end up repelling them in some way. Its interesting to reflect back on my previous friendships and the basic fact that they all revolve around whatever grade I'm in and therefore whoever I'm closest too. There doesn't seem to be or has been one person or group of people who have transcended this and continued to be considered a friend. Thinking of highschool especially I can remember pretty much what group of friends (who am I kidding, what group of girls) I hung out with every year, changing every year. For whatever reason we seem to move on from each other, I'd like to think growing or progressing and taking what we've learned or accomplished and moving on. Its funny how whenever your with a friend or group of friends you'll say 'were going to be friends forever' but thats usually when for me the shit hits the fan. Something for whatever reason happens and you run a miss. There are a few people I will never say that about as I don't want that to happen to us. Sort of like a mental 'knock on wood' type of thing, but heres hoping.

There have been people from highschool that I knew I would probably never talk to again, their have been friends that have said their only going to keep in touch with a small group (once including me, but thats another story). For that reason I'm really interesting in attending my highschool reunion in 2021, I really am interested in finding out what has happened to these people. I recently read on Twitter a quote saying "nobody wants to help you until you've made it". Which kind of proves true as in for some reason everybody comes crawling back. I believe in karma, I believe in honesty and I believe in loyalty above all. But I know of only one person currently that I can place those values upon. Upon reflecting on these relationships both successful and knowledgeable I look inwards and try to think about what I could have done to affect its outcome.

I guess I've made a couple of theses posts this year, so it seems that this was the biggest lesson I learned. For those of you who have read to this part, I'm not to sure if this post has brought you any knowledge. I like to read things when I can take something from them and apply it to my own life. But If theres one thing its to only trust your blood, your family.

I think Lauren Conrad said it best...

#worldAIDSday

2011-12-01T12:11:00.002-05:00

Today, December 1st is World Aids Day and to be honest I just reminds me of what I need to do. The thought of getting tested for HIV is really, really daunting to me. While I know what I've done, and done right the prospect of my life chaining instantly in that moment is hard to handle. Emotionally it would be the hardest for me, HIV isn't a death sentence anymore but it does make life a lot more complicated. At some point I will have to get over this hurdle and get tested (as we all should). They say ignorance is bliss, but its just making me antsy.

I don't want to generalize but I feel that HIV is known as a remote issue, at least where I live. Teenagers don't talk about it or if their necessarily aware of it. To me most people just thing its a gay issue but its more than that. I guess its because we live in such an industrialized and modern country that we feel It won't affect us. But the truth is that 60% of people don't know their status. Since having not been tested, I can include myself in this group. I'm not trying to be preachy or offend but the statistics online and popping up on my Twitter feed this morning were alarming.

We can (I have), purchase the product(RED) t-shirts, we can donate money, we can support a cause. But ultimately charity has to start at home first, with you, and me.

This is a work in progress.

Gay? Gay Enough?

2011-11-26T00:10:00.000-05:00

Guys, I'm dateless. Seriously y'all whats going on? I've been wondering this for a while now, kind of mulling over this post in my head. How do you show/display that your gay with out going too far? Like what is it that separates you from the straight guys. I mean personally I don't think I'm that straight looking but I feel that girls take my comments the wrong way. Its kind of funny but then its like where are the guys to hit on. There needs to be a line though, I don't need to be a walking, talking pride flag.

So how do you do it? Is it a way of dressing? is it how you talk or walk?

Can we just talk about this video for a second? Its really, really cute.

Bedtime Stories

2011-10-12T23:17:00.000-04:00

I don't know about you, but I've always had an issue with sleep. Its really hit or miss, some nights its just bliss and I fall right to sleep others it begins with my mind overanalyzing things. I'm a person who's afraid of the unknown you know like death, etc and sleep is one of those things. Its like what happens to us while we sleep its always been like a mystery to me. Weather this contributes to my messed up sleep cycle, I'm not too sure. Seeing as how being a university student to me wreaks more havoc on it then I would like it too.

With all that being said though, I'm someone who needs their sleep. Not 12 hours but a good amount of quality sleep. I envy those who can pull all nighters or just suffice with a couple of hours. That doesn't work for me, yea waking up and feeling drunk (more like feeling "out of it") and don't even get me started on spelling errors because of sleepiness! I think its funny when people are like just don't go on the computer, phone or watch tv before bed. Well I would like to have that kind of luxury. I also know that sleep is one of the key times for the body as it does most of its growth and is a stress reducer. Its funny how it all goes in a cycle, we don't sleep therefore we get stressed, we stress therefore we don't sleep.

Would You Hold It Against Me?

2011-10-06T21:03:00.000-04:00

To be honest, I feel like this post is going to come off a bit narcissistic but last night in bed it dawned on me, I'm too much of a nice person. I do most of my thinking right before I go to sleep, its odd but good ideas really come to me at that moment right before I drift away. I guess I should have a pad of paper next to my bed to record these as many of them often just fade away much like myself.

Basically I've realized the whole "nice guys finish last" mentality, because its true. I may or may not have talked about this before but I've realized that a girls friendship with another girl will always come before my friendship with her. Always has and always will. I can't even begin to count the times where I've given friends the clothes off my back if their cold, rides home even though I just want to be home as well. I've paid extra when you didn't have enough and help you through every boyfriend/guy they were interested in. Don't get me wrong, most of the time I have no problem doing this, but there comes a time where you just have to say no, and thats where I got screwed over. I'm not writing this to be stroked or praised, I'm simply writing this because I'm frustrated. What happened is not really important. Its just goes to show that the one time I'm not a pushover I get reprimanded for it.
I've never been one to like the spotlight on me. I have this weird affinity with attention, its a love hate relationship. I've always dreamed about having a career with a powerful position or being a public figure as they can achieve more good in the world than a normal person. But I would never want the attention for it. I guess thats why when you go to museums and see donations theres always a wall for private donors.

I'm not too sure about why I don't like it, maybe some deep rooted insecurities but it just makes me so inquisitive about those who relish in it. I'm not even talking about celebrities, just normal people, especially those on Facebook. Facebook is like crack for people who are in love with themselves. Its un real how people like to be praised for what the've done, when in reality its just a game of beer pong. When people want to be liked for what they did its time to stop accepting praise.

I also notice that some of the most creative people shy away from the lime light.

Justify My Love

2011-09-18T23:56:00.000-04:00

Faster and faster, were racing, on a race through life. We live when we're younger to be older. When were mature we want to recapture our youth. We have this need it seems to be better, smarter, sharper and to do it all in less time. When do we become less obsessed about ourselves and more in tune with the world around us. Bombarded with new information, new ways to capture and share information, yet we know so little about the world outside our windows. So many of us dream about a life that is greater than us. Study, observe and focus on one specific goal and place blinders on ourselves. The people, places and issues around us go unnoticed and then it hits us. Its back to square one. We try and make it all happen again, the highs and the joys but all that seems to persist are the what already occurred. Were told to look forward don't look back, kick, push.

Heavy Cross

2011-08-27T14:37:00.000-04:00

How do you judge your place in the world? What makes you feel special, needed or wanted? For me it has always been interacting with people. Granted I love my alone time, at a needs certain point there to be some dialogue between others.

Basically, when I don't see friends or do something I feel devalued or less credible. Its a sense of my self worth depends on my importance in other peoples lives. Is that weird? Its like every summer I always felt that everybody was doing something but me, and I was kind of left in the dust. I've experienced the "its a girls night only" well what do you want me to do when I'm the only guy? Well its gotten to the point where I want to be desired in life and the lives of others. I'm tired of only being called upon when someone needs something, from advice to a ride home. I know that people come to me because they can trust me, but how do I trust them?

This past summer I've called my Summer Of Nothing, no partying, only hanging out with a few friends and mostly working. I've learned a lot about myself, and how a job in fast food really makes me want to go to University and study hard! A friend told me that this was her year/summer of growing up, I can really relate to that. So much has happened in her life, but so much is also happening to our age group. From some of us moving out, to starting university to beginning our lives. We're growing up. Just some at different rates.

I'm excited for university, excited to be challenged both educationally and personally. Personally because its damn time I found a boyfriend. I cringe when I write that, because I seem so needy but Its true. Hell until I bring a boy home I don't think my parents will fully believe that I'm gay. Ahaha.

Frosh week is coming up in a few weeks and then we hit the ground running with classes. Not much is going to happen up until then. I'll check in with you soon.

Turn Me Inside Out

2011-07-31T00:46:00.001-04:00

Can we just talk about loyalty for a minute, as in my loyalty to this blog and with friendships. First all with this blog I haven't been updating in a while simply because I have nothing to talk about, or so I feel. The same shit is happening that occurred last summer, people are going through the same shit (drugs etc.) and I'm sick of it. Not just here to rant, because I don't want to turn into that. When that time comes, which I sadly feel will be very soon, I'll end it. I figure that when something turns into a chore its time to move on. It doesn't help that blogland is dead, too.

This past month since school ended (graduated with honours, ahem!) I've just been working, yes at the local Dairy Queen, y'all can make fun of me now! Oddly its a lot of work, but the people who work there are sick and the money is nice. But on that topic, I haven't seen many people from school. I really feel that the people you hang out with during the summer can be viewed as better friends than others, its really easy to make friendships at school your forced to be in one building together. Call it stubbornness or what but i've been practicing the "I'm gonna wait for you to text me first..." strategy. I'm just fed up with people and their 'loyalty', relationships aren't based on drugs, sex, or money. When you start regarding those as your true relationships its over.

Starting to countdown the days until Uni, its slowly starting to creep up, its almost August people!

What have you been doing this summer?

On The Decay Of The Art Of Lying

2011-06-22T16:48:00.000-04:00

"No fact is more firmly established than that lying is a necessity of our circumstances, -- the deduction that it is then a Virtue goes without saying. No virtue can reach its highest usefulness without careful and diligent cultivation, -- therefore, it goes without saying, that this one ought to be taught in the public schools -- at the fireside -- even in the newspapers. What chance has the ignorant, uncultivated liar against the educated expert? What chance have I against Mr. Per ---- against a lawyer? Judicious lying is what the world needs. I sometimes think it were even better and safer not to lie at all than to lie injudiciously. An awkward, unscientific lie is often as ineffectual as the truth.

Lying is universal--we all do it; we all must do it. Therefore, the wise thing is for us diligently to train ourselves to lie thoughtfully, judiciously; to lie with a good object, and not an evil one; to lie for others' advantage, and not our own; to lie healingly, charitably, humanely, not cruelly, hurtfully, maliciously; to lie gracefully and graciously, not awkwardly and clumsily; to lie firmly, frankly, squarely, with head erect, not haltingly, tortuously, with pusillanimous mien, as being ashamed of our high calling. Then shall we be rid of the rank and pestilent truth that is rotting the land; then shall we be great and good and beautiful, and worthy dwellers in a world where even benign Nature habitually lies, except when she promises execrable weather. Then-- But I am but a new and feeble student in this gracious art; I cannot instruct this Club."

-Mark Twain (1882)

Normal Gets You Nowhere

2011-06-05T17:30:00.000-04:00

For years I have craved normality or just to be a normal kid. But thats the thing I've always been different, the type of person who is never in the spotlight but never falls under the radar. I came out to my dad this past weekend, without much fan fare. It's exactly how I wanted it to go. Accepting, loving and there for me. I couldn't have asked for anything better.

Lately though I had noticed that whenever I looked at something, heard some music or was reading something I always looked for the depressed part of it. What looks sad, its weird to write and I'm not explaining it right but thats as good as its going to get. But then I came to a revelation, I have nothing to be depressed over. Snap out of it! In a non egotistical way, my life is great! Came out to my dad, both of my parents now know and I'm 18. What problems should I be seriously having. I've noticed that I tend to have sabotaging thoughts. Like there always has to be wrong, nothing can be okay. But it can.

Sorry if this post is a whole bunch of random ideas, its been sitting in my "edit posts'' folder for the past week as I put together thoughts and such.

When I came out to my dad it was prom night, I wrote him a letter, gave it to him then left for up north and my school's after prom. I guess it was the full car of people but I didn't tell a soul what was happening. I was texting my dad on the way up and he was really okay with it. Only two people now really now. My friend Alanah who messaged me before about it and my friend Stacey who I told personally. At this point these are the only people who deserve to know from me personally. Whoever reads this blog, I dont know. I'm sure there are people I know who read this blog. But unless they've told me that they do its all anonymous!

The last two weeks (from prom until now) I have really learned a lot about myself, my family, friends and people in my life. It has refocused my attention to people who were once misunderstood by me and made some really good friendships. Ultimately this has signalled a new chapter in my life, a more open one at that.

P.S. Where are all the bloggers disappearing too?

Do You Believe In Magic?

2011-06-01T12:24:00.000-04:00

Do not simply believe what you hear just because you have heard it for a long time.

Do not follow tradition blindly merely because it has been practiced in that way for many generations.

Do not be quick to listen to rumours.

Do not confirm anything just because it agrees with your scriptures.

Do not foolishly make assumptions.

Don not abruptly draw conclusions b what you see and hear.

Do not be fooled by outward appearances.

Do not hold on tightly to any view or idea just because you are comfortable with it.

Do not accept as fact anything that you yourself find to be logical.

Do not be convinced of anything out of respect or defence to your spiritual teachers.

You should go beyond opinion ad belief. YOu can rightly reject anything which when accepted, practiced, and perfected leads to more aversion, more craving and more delusion. They are not beneficial and to be avoided.

Conversely, you can rightly accept anything which when accepted and practiced leads to unconditional love, contentment and wisdom. These things allow you time and space to develop a happy and peaceful mind.

This should be your criteria on what is and what is not the truth; on what should be and what should not be the spiritual practice.

-From the Kalama Sutta, The Buddha

Offer Of Admission

2011-05-10T20:23:00.000-04:00

I'm noticing more and more that when I mention that I will be living at home for university there seems to be some apprehension or pity from people. I find it kind of puzzling, but also surprised at how many people will be going to live on residence or in an apartment etc for university. But of course, being me, I wonder. Does this make me less of a person? Well thats not the right way to say it, more like does it make me seem less grown up or ready to move on than other people. Most people don't realize that the choice to live at home isn't purely mine its more on the cost of it. Not that I need to completely justify it but I won't be living too poorly either. As its only me, my mom and dad in a four bedroom house. That plus free laundry, internet and food chalks up to be a win win situation for me. No?

iTGetsBetter

2011-04-16T20:45:00.004-04:00

Bring The Night On Pt. 2

2011-04-16T20:24:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty close to my mom so when I began talking to her about the stress and anxiety I'm feeling right now she called my aunt. Her daughter who is now in university went/is going through the same things as me, including panic attacks. My aunt said that what really helped my cousin was talking to a school counsellor or otherwise known as a guidance appointment. So in a pro-active moment my mom called the school and spoke to a counsellor who booked me an appointment. I was okay with that but it didn't seem to help me much.

Eventually the topic of me being gay came up to which (In which she almost said it under her breath) and I told her about the story of when I came out to my mom. Noting the fact that I practically told her that I ran out the door after I told her. I said it seemed like I was running away from my issues. In reality I had hoped that I would be accepted to a university down town, go live my life and never look back. But now I'm attending a school that will involve me living at home and commuting. So for this reason I have to muster the courage to finally come out to my dad. I believe its that fact plus just general school work and a job thats constantly in the back of my head. Its this thats causing me stress.

The counsellor gave me credit though and said to stop selling myself short. Meaning that I didn't necessarily run away from my problems but that I had given my mom time to react to what I told her and then process it. Instead of just saying the first thing that came out of my mouth. I guess thats what stresses me out so much about my dad, its not so much that I'm worried about his reaction but its the moment of actually telling him that frightens me. Its the split second reaction and judgement that is the scary part. But it has to happen, its eating me up inside. Perhaps I'll write a letter.

Bring The Night On

2011-04-06T21:54:00.000-04:00

The night can be a good thing, but also a very dark thing. For me its when my mind is most active. It's when doubt, depression' what I like to call the double D's come into play. I always have this feeling that I'm he only one who feels this way, but I know that teenagers all face this in some form. I guess in a way there is loneliness at night because you face yet another empty bed. Which one day will be filled, hopefully by the same person reppetitively. I also believe that teenagers don't talkto other teens about less positive emotions because there is some sort of stigma attached to it. Hell, I'm typing this post on it and I still feel that way about it. I guess in a way exposing and verbalizing your emotions is looked at as a sign of weekness. But keeping them in does more harm then good, I should know. As this little hiatus due to stress has done more harm than good. It's very easy to be hypocritical in these situations, friends come to me for advice and I give my best but whatever happend to "you practice what you preach?". How can I tell someone to do something for the better when I'm not doing it for myself.

The human body is very good at giving warning signs when somethin isn't right. Ive learned this first hand. Stress causes headaches, upset stomaches, and peculiar thoughts. With this also comes sleep disruptions, which just further enhances the issue. We all hope that it's just a phase and it probably is, but as per usual teenage mid it feels like the biggest world issue at the moment. I gets a lot of help from the people who read' so what doyou do to help with stress?

I Wrote The Book

2011-03-26T00:23:00.000-04:00

With this whole university application process underway many people are asking me where I'm going, which is fine, its just when I tell them what I would like to do that they change. Its not so much a positive or negative change. Its more of they draw a blank, like what do I say next. I'm interested in going into either Graphic Design or Photography next year at school and this has proven many different reactions. Theres the keep on smiling and find some way to change the topic, or that will be "interesting". Yes, I find you and your reaction very interesting. Personally I think that the arts in general receive this type of reaction. When your a child its creative and fun to express yourself, but I don't think that many adults believe that you can make a career out of it.

Judging solely on the viewpoints I have received it seems that people just don't understand design. I'm going to group photography in here too as you just as design a photo as you do a painting for example. I feel like its a grey area that people think is above them or too abstract. Really though, design is all throughout our lives, it's in our blood. It truly is what makes us who we are, physically and emotionally. From the sleek aluminum laptop I'm writing this post on, to the seems on the t-shirt I'm wearing and even my eyes that are reading. Design can communicate so much with so little. I would never consider pursuing writing as a professional career. Its way to easy to judge someone by the raw emotions on a page. But with the form of an object or a photograph you take out your own meaning. While yes you will see mine, you will naturally form your own ideas. You will judge the work on your ideas, based on what you like. Versus reading a sentence that doesn't make sense or contain words that offend you.

I believe that design and the arts can create a more beautiful world. Not in just terms of aesthetics. Beauty is in the simplistic design of an object that reduces wast during manufacturing. Or an image that can evoke a powerful reaction in anybody, because an image is a thousand words. When I was on a tour of one of the universities I might attend, a professor told me that we're not hear to teach you how to "do" were here to teach you how to think. To be passionate about something you have to breathe it, talk it and do it. It becomes a part of you and influences your outlook on life.

We have the power to design our entire life, from the message we convey, the actions we take, to the effect we have.

The mark we've made.

Hit Me Baby One Last Time

2011-03-20T00:53:00.000-04:00

When it comes to drugs, when is the end? Is it a life long battle that culminates in death? For me I personally know that the time has come to an end. While trying not to be too specific a while a go I took something that was once beautiful and it ended up screwing me over. I ended up getting sick a couple days after taking it, though thankfully it only ended up being the flu. There were times where I would feel as if I was still on it randomly during the day, but again my doctor only confirmed to me that it's simply a symptom of the flu. The saying "scared straight" really applies to this situation. I was so scared that I had done something I would regret later on. Its always that push that ends up hurting people. Just one more time, just a little more, that little bit that extra is the thing that ruins everything.

It got me thinking, if we -technically- poison our bodies by ingesting such vices as drugs and alcohol how can we trust our bodies, especially in times of need? For this reason I understand why people think that they can escape in substances but it just ends up wreaking more havoc. It can hurt you both physically and mentally. Our bodies send us signals in times of distress and in times of excitement, and I feel that with drugs especially these are muffled or become non-existent. For me at least to deal with emotions and road blocks we have to be clear not blurred by substances. I'm not trying to talk down or shun those who chose to drink alcohol, everything is okay in moderation but for me drugs are done with. It has been a development period for me or "phase" as many like to say.

What are your thoughts?

It's Your Moment, Claim It

2011-03-09T17:49:00.000-05:00

What if...?

Its a big statement with endless opportunities, really. But when it comes to this blog, what if it could mean something more. A conversation thats bigger than me. I am positive that there are many more people that read this blog than what I know of. Thats not including the blogging world of course, but people I would possibly interact with on a daily basis. I am truly surprised when I talk to someone and they ask me a question or tell me that my blog made them think about something in a different light. While I know I don't have all the answers I'm hoping that this in a way helps other people deal with things. Wether it be life, friendships and the main focus being a gay teen. What I do know is that when I invite or tell somebody about my blog I invited them to myself and thats a very guarded place.

The next few months will be important to all of us, especially me. It's new opportunities, further education, branching out. Important milestones such as turning 18, going to University and more. While it may sound inane, this is a commitment to this blog and continuing this exchange.

There are many of you out there reading these very words, join me, leave a comment.
Make your voice heard.

Click Flash

2011-02-28T22:33:00.001-05:00

Can we talk about Facebook for a moment? Well not so much my Facebook profile but those of the guys that go to my school. As a rule of thumb the gays I know don't put "what" there interested in, it gives you the option of men, women, both or nothing. I don't put anything either. It may be a bit of not being ready to come out to all my Facebook friends as JP is having issues with too. But a part of me feels like whats the need. Do I need to prove anything to these people, the term friends does not apply, at most they are acquaintances with a select close few.

But what I've come to notice is that there are more and more guys that don't have anything listed under their preferences. While people have suspicions about some, most its the seemingly-straight jock guys. I really don't get it... Theres no stigma, no hate, no prejudice towards being heterosexual, so why don't they just list it? I am A) Reading too far into this and they just didn't bother clicking that option or B) Stereotypes aren't everything and many who don't display them are gay too. I'm conflicted. In many ways not listing your sexual preference on Facebook lets other potential gay people know that you are/could be. Like a secret code of some sorts. Thats just one thing I use to "stalk" people. You also find out a lot about a person by what they "like" on Facebook as well. Again they gay stereotypes being Real Housewives Of..., Lady Gaga, DETAILS etc. So often times these just confirm questioning thoughts.

There is just too many people in my high school that you just want to say "come out already!". People know, people talk and its better that the general public hear it from you than the twisted way it can come out of somebody else. I may not be fully out, but those who need and should know, know. There doesn't seem to be as big of a stigma with being gay nowadays. Then again people don't say shit to my face, but it also helps that I'm 6'1.

Tell me your thoughts on this in the comment section!
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A Night To Remember

2011-02-22T20:57:00.000-05:00

An English Class speech...

The date is set, the ensemble is purchased and you’ve got that special someone to dance with. No this isn’t your wedding day, its prom. Well for some its as good as its going to get. Am I right? There is so much emphasis on this one night in May that we absolutely set ourselves up to fail. Everybody wants someone to ask them to prom in the most romantic ahem, nauseating way. Then theres what your going to wear, the fortune you must spend. The little blip of the night but of course there were memories. Ah yes the memories, where everybody tries to look their best, and better than everyone else whilst sweating and awkwardly trying to dance. At least thats what I’ll be doing. So its safe to say that prom is all right, its the whole Pomp and Circumstance undertaking that is overrated.

While prom has been going on for many years the ridiculous side of it took off with MTV’s hit show Laguna Beach. I’m being generous with the term hit. Honestly guys where dressing up in costumes and doing these big elaborate set ups for what? So now all these girls are going wild and hoping for something like that, something to show that “he loves me”. You have to admit though that with all the social media networks and forms of communication now that something special like this is necessary. But there is usually ulterior motives behind it all. You scratch my back I’ll scratch yours... No?

My favorite part of the whole thing though has to be what were going to wear. Its the single most important thing that defines us as human beings. Yes, don’t pretend that you don’t judge someone by what there wearing. You don’t judge a book by its cover? Of course you do, how the hell would you know what your even reading. Its very funny looking at all the girls in different iterations of the same dress. And don’t even get me started on the stupid Facebook dress group. Really, really? Heres an insiders tip, well not so much insider, but as your in my class. I’m talking to the girls here... You all want to be unique and special, bless you. But do you really think that posting your dress for all the other girls to see is a good idea. I know, I know the whole “I don’t want to wear the same dress as someone else” thing, but it still doesn't make sense to do that. Wait for other girls to post their dresses and then don’t just buy one of those, its that simple and you’ll actually have people surprised! I went with a friend last year to get her prom dress and let me just say thank god for Spanx.

You may not be familiar with them but you have seen them at work! It was just like the scene from Mean Girls “we only carry sizes 1, 3 and 5, you could try Sears”. If she wore Spanx Regina Gorge wouldn’t have been pushed in front of a bus. I stand by this. They seriously suck your stomach in at all the right places. You look at some of the pictures of people who chose not to wear them because “beauty is on the inside” and all you can say is woof! They even make them for guys now, but thats something else completely. But luckily being a guy is so much easier when it comes to formal events. Shower, throw something on and your good. But as a guy nobody really cares what you wear, I mean those tuxedo shirts had to have been invented by a man. Why spend all that work and energy into putting on a tux and the stupid bow tie when you could put on a t-shirt.

Oh lets not forget about the actual night. Hair’s done, your fully dressed and your hopes are high, or maybe you are, that this night is going to be so special. As somebody who is a member of this years prom committee, I’d like to take the time to acknowledge and thank the teachers who helped plan our prom. Ahem, their second wedding. Ugh attending these meetings and listening to how excited these teachers are is unbelievable. So if you get upset because it doesn’t look as nice as you hoped it would, talk to those teachers. They’ll be agitated too. Ladies and Gentlemen don’t drink before going to prom. I didn’t say please don’t, because I really couldn’t care less what you end up doing. I’m not going to beg. But your date might not think to highly of you if you end up puking all over their new shoes. Never mind the shoes, do you think your date is going to want to kiss all of that after they’ve seen you lose your liquid lunch.

Seriously though prom is such a memorable occasion, so much so that the big suits of the entertainment industry have started to bank on it. I mean theres always been your typical teen movie with a prom scene but now there making more and more films on just that. I blame Disney. Really you’ve made 3 Highschool Musical films and your still not done telling the same sappy story. Get this, the last of the trio of movies made $259 million dollars, according to Wikipedia, on about prom! I still think the second one, you know where there at the country club was the best one. Yes, I’ve seen every single one! All I know is that $11.99 to hear Vanessa Hudgens “singing” (more like whining) was not worth it, that movie was so awful Disney should have paid ME to see it. Now they don’t even bother with thinking of creative names. Disney's next teen movie is called Prom. I’m not even joking, I wish I was. With such a deep, moving, memorable name I’m sure it will be very realistic. You know nobody is getting laid in this movie. As one Globe And Mail reviewer put it “they probably don't even SMELL like teenagers! All AXE and Vanilla body spray, sweat and hormones, acne cream and tater tots.” Give us some reality pretty please.

Then you have movies, well documentary’s that put a completely different spin on things. Have any of you seen Prom Night In Mississippi? Long story short its about a school in Mississippi that has two proms, one for white people and one for blacks. Isn’t that sad, its 2011 and this still happens. So I’m thinking what the hell would I do? I’m half black, half white. Do I get an all you can play pass or something? Back to the story, they want to have an integrated prom and it causes all sorts of headlines. So Morgan Freemen randomly steps in and says “One prom, and I'll pay for it.”, great. But the problem wasn't the students it was the parents who didn’t want the integrated prom. “Separate proms and separate homecoming queens,” declares Freeman. So the big night arrives and the integrated prom goes off without a hitch. Its amazing. But the whole time I’m thinking without black people who’s going to dance. So, congratulations to this Mississippi community for finally entering the 1960s. Just don't be too proud of yourselves, because you still have a long way to go.

I think we all can agree that prom is the synthesis of four years of high school all in one night. From grade nine when you first walked into that door, just like walking into prom you don’t know what to expect. You don’t know who your going to make friends with or end up dancing to Teenage Dream with, but you hope their special. Ah what to wear a dilemma in every sense of the word but you rocked it and its all that matters. Before you know it the moment is over, whats done is done, sealed forever. As Lizzie McGuire once put it “I think that we can all agree that high school is filled with embarrassing and awkward and sometimes just downright humiliating moments, right? Uh... Oh! Me neither.”

Slice Of Humble Pie

2011-02-05T21:02:00.000-05:00

Do you want to know the truth? My friendships mean everything to me, my friends keep me healthy. So when I tell somebody in confidence and trust and it's betrayed its over. Simple as that. As much as I feel I repeat this aloud, you never know who's listening. I've got friendships that run deeper than others, but many do not know this or appreciate this and that's their magic.

Yesterday I went to another university for the next series of portfolio interviews (my portfolio is what gets me accepted, marks are secondary). I applied for the Design program -Graphic Design, Typography, Editorial etc. The teacher who was looking at my work was amazed. He went on to ask if I had applied at any other schools, to which I replied yes. Here's the shocker, he says please don't consider any of them. I want you in my class. I was speechless. He kept on commenting on how original and professional my work was. In turn I repeatedly thanked him but was smiling inside. Truly your work is not valid unless its published or commended from someone higher than you. Sure my peers complimenting my work is awesome (don't get me wrong), or even my art teacher. But when it is someone in the field you would like to study, and who actually gets paid to do that, its nothing short of amazing.

I don't want to sound full of myself, but I feel the success of my work is due to my maturity. I take inspiration from magazines, movies, music and more. Rarely if never is it the work of my peers. I find that I constantly have to aim higher to continually push myself. For that reason when I get feedback or hear people say they inspired me or influenced me to do something I find it comical. I've known what I want to do (Graphic Design/Advertising) for a very long time, so if you talk behind my back about me physically I don't care. When its about my work and what I want to do with my life, I take it personally.

Put Aside Your Pride

2011-01-18T21:13:00.000-05:00

To say I'm nervous is an understatement. Tomorrow I am going downtown to the first of many portfolio review's and interviews regarding acceptance in to University. I will say though, I'm not nervous for the actual interview but for what it means. Never mind grades here they are judging your body of work, it better stand out. I'm nervous for what would happen if I didn't get accepted. So many people praise my work and I'm just numb to it. Maybe I'm just being a realist but I know there are others who are just as good or better. People don't understand how cut throat the art world, esp. post secondary applications are. This acceptance would hopefully mean a move downtown, a chance to actually start my life. It would mean so much.

Don't Let It Go To Your Head

2011-01-16T17:47:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since my last proper post and my only excuses is that I'm really busy at the moment. Its good to be busy with school and such but after a while life outside of school simply becomes still. You just go through the emotions instead of stopping to think. Stuff just piles up, wether it be chores, reading or blogging it just stops, well for me at least. This has only been two weeks of being really busy, so it makes me wonder how people with careers enjoy life if their busy all the time.

As I found out recently, in times of stress people show their true colours. Some people enjoy and thrive off of it, while others get angry, cry or avoid responsibility at all. To the people who are so stressed out hardly anything gets done I wonder, what are you going to do in the real world? This tiny, tiny bubble called high school is one where your constantly reminded and prodded to complete work. Without these reminders most people fail. I'm really interested to see people at my high school reunion down the road to say the least.

In general though I've been working on university applications, final projects and ramping up to exams that begin on the 24th. The university applications are the ones that are getting to me... I applied over the christmas break and now I'm getting emails back with questionnaires, several essays and portfolio reviews. Oh and of course, were going to charge you to read/look at all of these. Great. Its a little disheartening to hear about classmates acceptances already, I'm nowhere close. As what I want to do (advertising/graphic design) portfolio reviews have to happen before any acceptance can be offered. Which is annoying because I have to take a full day off school, go downtown, present my portfolio and then wait. At this point, whatever. Rant over.

New to the right side bar is On My iPod, a playlist of songs I'm currently listening to. So check it out, leave me some feedback, but most importantly enjoy!

It's Like Getting Your Period

2011-01-10T20:22:00.001-05:00

A Semester Of Photography

2011-01-06T18:25:00.000-05:00

This is a write up I had to do for a school photography show. Essentially it is the course summed up in one page. A proper post is coming soon, promise.

When I open a fashion magazine I feel as if I am opening a storybook, for these magazines shouldn’t be taken literally but conceptually. Our theme The Unexpected Beauty is simple in both it’s pronunciation and explanation. Our best attribute and the one we chose to focus on is transforming simple scenes into beautiful images. Fantasy plays a big role in fashion magazines, if other people don’t believe so we think they should view them in that light. With that being said my partner and I both strive for ‘perfect fantasy’—in the composition of an image, retouching for an ideal complexion and a thorough concept. It isn’t simply about a slim figure and beautiful clothes, it is the emotions that they evoke as a whole within an image.

With the advent of social media and up to the minute information everything is condensed, sometimes said in 140 characters or less. Magazines delve deeper though and forge meaningful connections with a reader, and therefore can relay a more significant message. Today, because of this magazines are commenting on social issues like never before and in more interesting ways. Photography, fashion, and traditional art are more powerful in expressing emotion than any combination of words are able to. Hence the saying “a picture is worth a thousand words”.

While our work may not be impacted by what’s going on in politics yet, we are bound by what is deemed politically correct and what is not. We may publish images that we believe are sensitive to the viewing audience but they may not think so. Often this causes a rush of emotion, both positively and negatively. This is what we live for. We work to send an unwritten message, you must consider what that is. Whether you understand our message, come up with an entirely new one, or leave in different is up to you. In our school environment we interact with people from many different cultures and this is reflected in our work. Not only in the models shown but the collaboration of ideas and input, with the result being a stellar image. We can learn so much from the people around us, unsoliciting their opinions would be ignorant.

We both cannot describe how far we’ve come without acknowledging the talents of those who came before us and continue to inspire us. Subtle references to our Historical Influences can be found throughout all of our work as a testament to the mark they have left on us. For what we strive to convey to our viewer -a message- they have done to us. We will continue to remember this message, understanding and adapting it to our lives as we mature. My personal understanding of beauty has changed immensely since this course began. Not so much as in who is beautiful, but what is beautiful and the unexpected places it can be found. The world around is captivating and without it beauty in all would cease to exist. Open your eyes.

These Words Are My Own

2010-12-29T23:21:00.000-05:00

In my view, one of the least appealing things to Blogging is editing/censorship. I say this because when typing I am constantly editing and revising so what I'm saying gets my point across. Sometimes you want certain things to have a mood -positive, negative, bitch-. This also gives certain words weight so when they are used there emphasis is implied.

My god, if this could/would apply in everyday life. Well I guess our parents always saying "think before you speak" applies to conversation and writing. I am 100% more polished in my style of writing on here than I real life. I'm optimistic for it to happen day to day. Sometimes, only sometimes, haste can be of benefit. Usually it just bites you in the ass. I feel the need to be a 'writer' on here because written word have a greater sense of permanence. In theory what I write on here could be here forever. Last thing I want is to read something from today, many years in the future and only focus on the spelling mistakes. My english teacher would be proud.

Even though I've never been in love I find that the word 'love' is thrown around way to much. I guess thats what I'm getting about here. There is no real significance to many words today. We've developed so many acronyms, slang and emoticons to represent real words, that because of the slang don't mean anything. How did we go from "thats funny" to "LMAO".

P.S. How was everyones christmas?

Alone In Words

2010-12-22T22:49:00.000-05:00

After posting the video in the previous post 'Pazecrit' (Kenny?) asked what I would have written for that post. Basically what started it all was what I noticed at school. Whenever someone has to go somewhere they always ask a friend to go with them. Like to their locker for example. I admit this has started to occur with my friends and I recently. While it is nice to have companionship's and friends I just feel like I don't need them all the time. I guess this is my defensive side coming out. The you need to look out for yourself, blah, blah. crap.

Normally when I walk between classes I put my headphones in and listen to music. Music relaxes me, you can put on a good beat and strut to class, it definitely puts you into a better mood. But once someone suggested I seem 'bitter' when I walk down the halls. Their word not mine. People who really know me understand that all they have to do is stop me or call out my name and I will stop and talk to them. I love to talk to people in the halls between class. Music is not my way of excluding myself from everybody. Meh, I've been told I have a serious case of bitch face so putting two-and-two together makes sense.

Again, since I do not have any siblings people always react to "I'm an only child' with excitement. As in, whats it like not having any siblings. But that quickly turns into pity. Oh you must be so lonely. Poor you. People! I don't miss what I don't have. That maybe a blunt way of saying things but for me its true. I've read online that only children are more independent and have better social skills esp. when speaking to adults. I find that I embody those characteristics. Still, I can't help feeling like my parents bought my love in some respects, in return for not having another sibling. I begged them. Physically it was not going to happen.

Back on track. As the video describes, being and doing things alone does not have to feel embarrassing or be looked down upon. I've eaten meals by myself at restaurants, I've shopped by myself (the best!) and experienced things by myself. Its the point where you mentally switch from 'I need somebody with me, sitting at this restaurant table' to 'this is comfortable, I'm fine'. My point is, once you feel at peace with yourself others will be fine with your decision to do something alone. So it wont look awkward. People won't look at you weird. I cannot stress that enough.

In many ways I feel like this connects back to a recent post about social networking. We have been trained to think that what we do is important, only because of the (hopefully) large number of people 'interested' or 'liking' it.

How To Be Alone

2010-12-20T21:34:00.000-05:00

I seem to have come across this video at the perfect time. I was just about to write a post on the same thing!

Everything To Lose

2010-12-19T02:08:00.000-05:00

As an only child and gay teen I am often asked who I confide into. Depending on who's asking I can a) just brush off the question with some generic answer or (if there close friends) b) explain my blog and stuff to them. In the case of answer b) people seem to be amazed. Its usually just the fact that I have a blog. Those who I show it too or give them the link are even more privileged. I say that because this blog contains some of my deepest emotions. Emotions that are not often showed in public.

I think its cool though, this "underground" network of teenagers sharing with other teens/people. I sought solace in a blog because It enabled me to communicate with other people going through similar experiences as me. It has provided me with comfort, aggression, escape but most of all peace; with myself. I've learned that it's not just okay to be gay (it's amazing!) but that its okay to be comfortable with who you are and what you believe in.

For me it's about the relationship I have with the people who read my blog. Even if you don't comment we still have a relationship. You've helped me out when I needed it, just by listening. To see 59 followers and counting is unreal to me. 59 people actually care about what I'm writing. Its not a popularity contest so much as people actually want to listen to me about being gay. For so long I've had to hide who I am, pretend to be something I'm not and to have people actually praise me at times for saying the stuff I do is beautiful.

I also believe one of the reasons why Blogging has flourished as much as it has is because of the people writing them. In this world of one hundred and forty characters or less - Twitter and constant Facebook updates, people come off full of shit. At least they do to me. But Blogging is personal, its literally your life story. What you had for breakfast (ie. Twitter) isn't. It's amazing to look back on what you wrote last week, last month, last year and see how much you've grown.

Many times I've thought about someday turning my blog into a novel. That would be a cool idea to play around with. I'm not too sure who would read it, but thats what I said when I first started this blog. Loads of people feel like print media esp. books and magazines are going to become less and less relevant in future. I beg to differ, like Blogging compared to Tweeting, books and magazines make deeper connections than those online. Its almost a comparison of a comparison, but I still think a book would be cool.

Adding Insult To Injury

2010-12-16T21:30:00.001-05:00

I find it interesting, Formspring, very much. It seems to be the latest fad that is going across our school. If your not familiar with Formspring its basically Twitter, but instead of posting little blurbs your answering anonymous questions people ask. Its very much an ego boost so its understandable that people continue to answer questions. But for every positive remark there are at least two negative ones.

In the December issue of GQ theres an article on social media (ie. Facebook) and what researchers believe will be the next big thing. They article goes on to say "In the best products you put minimal amounts of time in, and you get a lot back out". They don't mention Formspring in it, but if thats the case what do these users take away from their experience? I'm surprised myself as to why I'm dedicating a whole post to this but... it's my blog and you my loyal readers keep on coming back! I'm surprised by that even more.

Either way I just think that there are several other websites where our time can be spent more productively. Like porn. Just kidding. Not really!

Click on, my friends.

On The Outside Looking Back In

2010-12-09T22:26:00.002-05:00

How do we know where we've been to where were going?

The Inuit People leave Inukshuk's, some take pictures and some just take the memories. As I sit and type this, beside me is my Legacy Print. At my school every grade 12 Photography student selects on of their best photos that is then matted, framed and hung around the school forever. It's not necessarily your best photo, in terms of composition, lighting etc. but it's the one that means the most to you. Even though every student in this class receives this opportunity, I still find it somewhat of an honour. My photo is of my friend Laine, she is posed in a way that you only see the side of her face, her hand and arm placed under her chin, she looks ethereal. I find it amazing that there will be a photo that I took, of one of my friends, with my name in my school for presumably forever. I won't just be another nine digit student number who passed through this building leaving after four years. It truly is my school Legacy.

Have you ever heard the quote "Twenty years from now, it won't matter what shoes you wore, how your hair looked, or what kind of jeans you bought. What will matter is what you

learned and how you used it." Oddly I feel this fits in here, though I'm not sure where. Well actually, high school is where I met a great deal of new friends and strengthened past friendships. As an only child I feel like when I grow up these friends will turn into family. Well some are already! I love that. Obviously it wont be every single person I'm friends with, I will also make new friends but just to have that camaraderie with someone is amazing. I find that this doesn't really happen in elementary school, well at least it didn't for me.

This post seems to in someways tie in with my previous post. I guess I still haven't... Finish that sentence for me.

P.S. I'm sorry for the dramatic titles lately, I seem to have ran out of "title inspiration". Usually they just come to me as I type a post, but today not so much. These words are from a Robyn song called In My Eyes.

Can't Be Afraid To Fail

2010-12-05T22:13:00.000-05:00

Its interesting, I find myself wanting to blog the most on Sunday nights just before bed. I'm not sure why, well actually it seems like this is my most peaceful time of day. Many a blog post was written just before bed, or while in bed (BlackBerry blogging ftw!). Any way you look at it, I feel like I'm at my "sharpest" now.

Sometimes I feel like my day, week or life in general has a theme or word that influences it. Currently that word is Change. Its happening a lot, not just physically but mentally and spiritually. My parents recently repainted our dining/living room and our bathroom, both to "lighter, fresher" colours as they put it. I guess as a Taurus -we are apparently sensitive to changes- this colour change took me aback. We've been in our house for about thirteen years now so it was time for an update, but painting the living room (don't really care about the bathroom, lets be honest here) just made it feel like the house was changing. It's no longer the place where I grew up and all that stuff, its going to be the place I move out from soon. I guess in a way I'm thinking that a change of colour changes the memories that were created and celebrated there previously. But then I realize that its actually not like that at all.

Its about the future, not about the past. For me I feel like it should never be about the past, always what lies ahead. Karl Lagerfeld said something like this, but don't get me wrong, I'm not conforming to his words they just reinforce what I believe... "I like today and perhaps a little future still, but the past is really something I'm not interested in. So, as far as I'm concerned, I like only the past of things and people I don't know. When I know, I don't care because I knew how it was." I told a friend my theory and she was in a way, disappointed. It isn't a disregard for whatever memories, good or bad, its just knowing when to put things behind you and move on. No fucking pun intended. Ha.

Life is about to get real, whether I like it or not. This is the time to grow up. In my view being mature and being an adult are two different things. I'd like to call my self a mature teenager with the notion that one day I will become an adult.

This post is very confusing to me so it probably is to you too. I can see both sides to this post. The one of 'slow down, your still a teenager, enjoy it' or the 'grow up and sit up straight'. I guess this just proves that I am definitely in between two very different parts of my life.

On to the next.

P.S. Happy Holiday's from your favourite drunk Karen Walker. New quote at the top!

Keep Believing In Dreams

2010-11-29T19:39:00.000-05:00

I had a very interesting dream last night, which is rare since I usually don't dream or I just never remember them(?). I figure I rarely dream is because I have trouble sleeping and might not get enough cycles of -REM Sleep-, the one in which dreams occur. Its complicated but makes sense. In my dream I had posted a picture of me and some guy, probably a boyfriend of my mind, kissing, on to Facebook. Oddly it was just about this picture and everybody commenting on it and, like I'm sure you know they do, starting drama. I honestly do not know what caused this and I woke up very mystified. I'm sure things could be pulled from this, examined and make sense to how I'm feeling, but I just want this to pass. To say I wasn't "feeling like P.Diddy" was an understatement this morning.

What is the point of announcing a relationship on Facebook or other social media sites? Does "coming out" to your circle of friends make your relationship more valid?

It all came full circle today when my friend Ashley was online and saw her friend (gay) relationship status pop up as In A Relationship. She immediately says its cute and comments on it to me, and granted they were cute but how does this benefit them? I've seen so many people laugh, criticize and hate on other relationships both straight and gay. I guess this all comes back to the Facebook dilemma, should we have an account and if so, what belongs in it. To me there are certain things that should be private, don't get me wrong it wouldn't be because I'm ashamed of anything its just that 400 people don't need to know everything.

I'm Yours, Your Mine

2010-11-21T01:14:00.001-05:00

What is a good gay without an amazing group of girls by his side?
Recently my friend and I were talking, I was giving her guy advice and then it turned to friends, specifically female friends. My friend, Stacey, brought up the idea that straight guys could possibly be envious of my many girl friends. Lets just call them friends, no? I find the term girlfriends to be really gay, too gay for me. To be honest it was quite nice to think about having one "edge" on the straight guys. This is rocky territory for me, I don't want to oversell something and inflate my friendships to a higher level than what they should be, or what my friends think they are. But I also don't want important people and the role they play on my life to go unnoticed.

One of my friends at school is a cashier at a local grocery store and I saw her working at another cash. I said high to her and we had a brief conversation. Short and sweet. My mom was talking to our cashier and she said that she had a seventeen year old son too. But at least yours (me) actually can talk to girls. I've read about this a lot, its very foreign to me, this whole guys cant approach girls thing. I've never, repeat, never had this problem. I walk up to a girl and talk about anything. It's just so easy to me. But I find that I have the opposite problem, with guys I have no clue. It should be noted that it's not just guys I would, per say, have a crush on but guys in general. I cant do the whole talk about sports, beer and general straight guy stuff. Like no. It doesn't work for me.

With that being said, it is nice to have the people who say stuff behind your back, make comments and joke about you be envious of you. I don't want this to come off as superficial, but I love being with these beautiful girls. I can still appreciate. Its like if I walk into a party with a great girl(s) with me and guys either hate me or love me for it. I like it? I guess in a way its nice to be talked about for that reason than others. I love the relationships I have with these girls, the connections are great, with the best part being that their comfortable around me, and will be themselves around me. When your sometimes not fully comfortable with yourself its nice to have people who are comfortable around you.

Its like theres this whole world that we've experienced together. I've done things with you, because of you, for you but it doesn't matter because you've done an amazing thing with me. Your here, with me on this. You didn't leave or turn the other way. Theres so much more for me to say that I'm forgetting at the moment but I'm sure there will be a follow up to this post in the future. It sounds like I'm giving an acceptance speech for a fucking Oscar!

God, this post is so gay.

It Gets Lonely At The Top

2010-11-14T22:19:00.000-05:00

This post marks the very bittersweet anniversary of when I came out to my mom. Just over one year ago it happened. She is still the only member of my family that I have told, but I feel like she's told her sister. I'm not sure how I know sometimes I just get these inclinations, if you will. I say bittersweet because it was such an amazing -albeit terrifying- moment, but what have I achieved since? I have a feeling she seriously thought I was kidding from her reaction (read the post via the link above).

While I do believe she has accepted it, I don't believe she has come to term's with it fully. I think that will happen if and when I introduce a boyfriend. Speaking of, where are all the gays in my town?! I know your out there, you can't hide behind your Grande Soy Cinnamon Dolce latte's and your plucked eyebrows for much longer. I will find you, but will I want to date you? Thats a whole other story...

But I'm really not interested in pity, I have no need for it. What I could use is some understanding from people.

Don't Knock It Till You've Watched It

2010-11-10T20:55:00.000-05:00

Say what you want about Glee, knock it if you want, but I'll always continue to watch it. When I hear people talk about it and say it sucks and stuff I almost cringe. Currently Glee is one of if not the only currently airing mainstream shows with gay representation. This may sound ridiculous but we do require a voice in the media. It was refreshing to hear Kurt (Glee's infamous gay character)'s words when he was confronting his bully. "Every straight guys nightmare, that all us gay guys are secretly out to molest and convert you." I couldn't have said the words better. Honestly I feel like this is the main stigma surrounding gay teens especially in high school. They may butcher some songs and play into stereotypes but right now this is all we've got.

When I was watching this part of the episode I almost had a sense that this was coming. It is socially and statistically proven that the people who are the most homophobic are usually gay. It's sad but very true. It really makes me wonder about the guys in my school.

I Can't Make You Love Me

2010-11-05T19:53:00.000-04:00

Whenever I talk to my friends about someone I think might be gay I always get the same question... "Well, would you date him?". I find it very amusing. Most straight people I find, have this idea that as soon as somebody is gay they would automatically date the first gay person to walk up to them. While I would definitely consider any offers, it doesn't quite work that way. Plus I find it very interesting to 'Decode' somebody if you will, or look for signs if their gay. Well more look for stereotypes.

There are a few people who know who I may or may not have a crush on. Those are only the closest of close friends, the ones who I can trust. Then there are others that hope I have a crush or am attracted to them or their significant other. This was recently demonstrated to me this past weekend. I'm not too sure how this plays out in front of others, but oddly the way my brain works is to act like I don't like someone at all if I ahem 'like' them. It's like if I walk by that person in the halls its eyes forward don't acknowledge it! I'm sure this is just some anti-find-out-im-gay reflex or something but even I find it amusing that I tense up. I actually have no clue if this is what I actually do or if I just fucking laser lock on to someone with my eyes. God, that would be embarrassing.

Carry On

2010-11-04T21:15:00.002-04:00

No matter who I'm with, however supportive they are, wether I'm out to them or not it is still hard to say that one damn three letter word... gay. It defines you, it shouldn't. It limits you, it shouldn't. It hurts you, it shouldn't. When do people look past someones sexuality and see the real person inside. Not in some weepy, nobody loves me way, but as in its all love. It seems that in my age group (highschoolers) gay is the easiest and most commonly word thrown around. Friends say don't take offence when somebody says 'thats so gay' but how can I not take some offence. Is this similar to the debate Black people have against others when they call each other 'my nigger'? Like am I the only one thats allowed to call someone else a fag because I am one? I'm sure one day I'll be able to say the gay comfortably, especially around my parents, but right now it's not happening. Recently I've found that when anybody says something gay or about performing sexual acts on two people of the same sex (when teenage boys joke around) its like everybody look over to the gay kid.... and I'm just like, are you looking for approval? Are you looking to see if I'm turned on? Turn the fuck around and continue your conversation. Are we done here?

I found this on Peters blog, definitely worth re-blogging.
"STOP using this word [Queer] to describe yourself! To me, other gay people, and homophobes; the word queer is a derogatory term! There is nothing good about the word. Stop using the same word the people who are working against us use as an insult!"

Virginity, Victory or Very Sexy?

2010-11-01T20:05:00.001-04:00

It's been a while since I had a weekend that was actually worth writing down. But I mean it was Halloween so you know it's going to be good.

Saturday was the best out of all of them seeing as I had the hard decision of what party to go to first. Yes, I was invited to two, I'm special y'all. I get dressed as what I would call a sexier version of what I was last year, a sailor. Basically just a sailors hat, striped t-shirt, jeans and a fake tattoo. I was cheap this year and did not feel like spending anything at all on a costume. I mean were all going to be drunk and nobody's actually going to remember who wore what, right?

Well, I meet up with a friend and we walk over, get in, get some alcohol and the night begins. Wait, what was that, this girl actually managed to pull it off? By it I mean a party. Let's be honest here, she isn't the most popular girl at our school but this party was pretty good. Good music and sound system, strobe lights, fairly decent crowd made for a pretty good night.

But what's funniest to me most is that I swear people thought my tattoo was real! I rolled up the sleeves of my t-shirt -because it went with my costume- to show it off, like a sailor. Either way it did look pretty legit, but come on, I would never get something this tacky permanently on me! As I walked in and by people they were whispering and to everybody who complimented me on it I was just like its so tacky but it 'works', meh. At this point I'm about Anna Nicole Smith drunk so I decide its time to head to party two. I walk over with my friend and am greeted by a very drunk, yet hilarious friend and the night is rolling again. Hung out and chatted with friends, pretty much the same scene as the first party.

I ended up leaving with another group of friends and walking home. Whilst walking havoc was wreaked upon our little suburbia by means of talking, no basically, yelling our drunken thoughts and we saw quite a few pumpkins being smashed. All in all it was a very good night aside from freezing! It's getting way too cold here, way to fast.

*I would like to ~~point out~~ call out some costume choices here. I say it every year and I'm going to say it again, "halloween is the only time a girl can dress like a total slut and nobody can say anything about it." I understand this and actually enjoy seeing some seemingly respectable girls unintentionally spread their legs in a costume thats too small. So with that being said, can't you be an escort or high priced hooker? Being a slut/whore just for the sake of it is not cute. Like Victoria Secret, where I know you buy most of your strapless bras, came out with some cute, yet sexy, yet half way appropriate costumes (well, Victoria's Secret "appropriate"). Note, these costumes can only be worn on a certain type of girl, I'd prefer it to be Miranda Kerr but alas that won't happen. So please if you are a larger girl don't try to stuff yourself into a tiny costume, its not hot. In general its not about being a bigger girl its about wearing clothes that fit and flatter your body type! Please, for the sake of my eyes.

How was your Halloween?

P.S. -What is with this obsession over virginity and losing it? Please explain.
- Follow me on Twitter for more frequent "Social Commentary"

My Friends Kill Me

2010-10-29T10:50:00.001-04:00

He wore a red sweater on purple day,

Instead of wearing purple to support the gay,

We all wore purple proud,

We all shouted 'gay pride' loud!

Red sweater its getting really old,

Boy where is your heart of gold?

Next purple day your support must be better,

You'd better hope I don't see you in that red sweater.

By Brynne and Sam

Purple!

2010-10-20T22:30:00.003-04:00

As much as I want to write and talk to you guys, and girls! Its so hard to look at this screen and find something to talk about. I'm not going to sit here and type out everything that happens during my day and stuff like that because frankly its boring for me to type and for you guys to read.

What is interesting though is this guy in one of my classes. I'm pretty sure, 100%, that he's gay and he's giving off signals but on Facebook it says he's into women. Dreaded Facebook! He hangs out with a bunch of guys who are jerks most of the time, read straight, but I'm positive he 'plays for my team' so to speak. What's interesting too was one day when his group of friends weren't in class he came and sat beside my friend and I. Well actually directly beside me. The pies de resistance is that when he sat down I swear to god he said, "Well things are working out nicely." though it was under his breath. What does this mean?! HUH?

Did you wear purple today? All over our school students and teachers were wearing purple in memory of the recent number of Gay teen suicides that are happening. It was awesome walking into school and seeing a whole bunch of people showing their support. Its just amazing to think that when we really want to put our energy together we can actually do something as a whole. While some people did ask, how does wearing purple help? Its more of showing awareness to the situation and support for teens who could be facing the same issues. My art teacher, the same one we saw at Pride, talked about wearing purple in class and how purple means spirituality on the LGBT flag. Didn't know that, so cool!

This weekend my parents and I are going to be visiting University open houses downtown. I'm excited because there's one in particular that I really, really want to attend. I plan on walking down the halls and envisioning what I'd be doing if I went... People, you have to understand that this is what I do in my spare time. Useless. The only issue is that my mom brought up the fact that I might not be living downtown. This would be the worst part. I need to live downtown. What kind of life would I continue to have here? None, couldn't never, or never want to bring a guy home, jobs are scarce and theres nothing to do here. I'm not saying that as soon as I get downtown everything would be golden but it sure would be a nice change.

Finally, my poor cat. Yes I'll admit it, I'm a cat owner. We took my cat to the vet today and he told us that my cat is going blind in his left eye and is almost bind in the right eye. Pretty shitty if you ask me. I just feel really bad for him. Oh well, this doesn't change anything, we'll still love him the way he is. Now if only my parents could say that to me.

Straights From An 'Ace'

2010-10-13T21:12:00.002-04:00

I would like to say that I get a strange sense of pleasure from the way straight guys act around me, 'straights' if you will. Its to the point where in school their wondering about the whole gay thing (I'm sure receiving the Fashion Award tipped them off, no?) and it puts them on a bizarre edge. These people can think what they want, but to find that they aren't acting like dicks -or thinking with their penises, whichever you prefer- is refreshing.

I'm sure that they think I'm "sizing them up" or checking them out, but no, don't flatter yourselves. I am however thinking about what your girlfriend/fuck buddy said to me about how bad you are in bed, laughing about how quickly you came and the fact that you were just a pity fuck. It's amazing how much information one can be privy too.

With that being said, what is with your constant need to have your jeans hanging half way down your ass? On top of that is the fact that when I walk behind you in the halls you feel the need to constantly pull down your shirt to cover your underwear, lets just add that you peek around to see if I'm looking! Please, you are boys not men. I will never understand your new found lack of appreciation for the English language. What with your 'booomtings' and such. As a person looking from the outside in, you look like idiots, and the girls think so too. Men open the door for a woman and speak full stop, boys call women their bitch and still expect to get some. Notice how I used the word woman. None of this seniors guys dating freshmen and junior girls, its off-putting.

I will say this, not all straight guys act this way, there are some decent people out there. Though far and few between. Oh but lets estimate that half of those are closeted gays, sorry girls your cut is getting slimmer. But do get into a relationship with a closeted boy, he'll treat you like royalty. You'll end up having your very own sexless marriage, just like WIll & Grace.

It's Such A Wonderful Life

2010-10-06T17:41:00.001-04:00

As some of you may know there are some videos going around the internet entitled "It Get's Better". If you haven't heard the It Get's Better Project was started in the wake of several Gay and Lesbian suicides that have recently occurred. Several celebrities (Gay and Straight) are partaking in this movement along with many everyday people. All of the videos are essentially a plea to teens going through high school to just stick it out and it will eventually get better. It is fact that gay teens are four times more likely to commit suicide vs. straight teens.

Other than watching the videos there are things you can do yourself to get involved. You can volunteer for the Trevor Project or should you need to call their suicide hotline at 1-866-488-7386. Launched yesterday, Ellen Degeneres partnered up with the Trevor Project enabling people to donate money simply by texting. ou can easily donate $5 simply by texting the word KIND to 85944.

Recently Kylie Minogue covered the HURTS song Wonderful Life on BBC's Radio 1 Live Lounge. While it may not have been done as a result of the suicides it seems to fit. This is SO poignant and almost painfully relevant.

It Gets Better Videos
Zachary Quinto

Gregory Gorgeous

David Robert - From MTV Canada's 1 Girl 5 Gays

These are just SOME of the videos I stumbled upon, but I urge you to go on to YouTube and watch others. Everybody has really kind words to say.

"It's about having pride in who you are and that's why we wear the rainbow colors, because we want to talk about pride. We want to just really, really express that in ourselves and impart that to the world." -Margaret Cho

P.S. Ethan, are you still here?

1, 2, 3, Not Only You & Me

2010-09-29T21:00:00.000-04:00

Here's an excerpt from a short essay for my World Issue's Geography class on the topic of over population. This topic really intrigues me at the moment, so I guess it's more of an opinion piece.

The Numbers Game

...though I wish I could have had brothers and sisters as a child, I believe that the only reason I am living the life I am today is because of the fact that there’s only me so I feel truly divided.

Take China for example a country that is exploding with more and more people everyday, so much so that often times their basic needs are not often met. While some say the Chinese governments One Child campaigns are strict and unfair I can see where they are coming from. When looking at the bigger picture they are simply trying their best to look out for a country and it’s citizens, a daunting task for a country of its size, and provide them with all they really require. But as China’s current population growth rate continues to climb the governments provisions are at capacity.

As a child of a family of three, that has gone through its own personal financial trials, I can safely say that If there was another child present our daily life would be much different. But with no lack of effort on my parents part it just worked out -naturally- that I was not destined to have a sibling, but it I believe it was for the best. From what has happened up to now that is, the future who knows. With the costs of raising a child in North America skyrocketing another child would have brought on a set of financial burdens I’m not sure we could have handled, but that’s exactly it, financial. I’m not so sure how only having one child -seeing as it’s one of the few “decisions you can make towards being socially responsible” helped the world but I know it helped us. As North America is known for having the Biggest & Best of everything I am still faced with many more, too many, available goods. Wether it be food, clothing etc. Even if I don’t choose to purchase or use it it’s still here not there, where it’s needed.

Ultimately I believe we can have the best of both worlds because in my view its not the amount of people, it is the amount of goods and how they are distributed. For example, have as many children as you want but you feed them until they are not hungry not when they are “satisfied”.

Over consumption is not only bad for our health and psyche (read, Materialism.) it also removes a basic quality of life for many people. It has been said by many that there is enough food in the world for all, again it just matters how it’s distributed. So I challenge us of privilege to rethink our way of life, and if not that appreciate it more.

Whatever Helps You Sleep At Night

2010-09-25T19:45:00.001-04:00

While eating dinner together in the kitchen (a rare occasion) my parents preceded to give me "the" talk about drugs and alcohol. Interesting, seeing as how thirty seconds before this conversation they believed I had never touched alcohol. But then I told them that yes, at seventeen years old, I had in fact drank alcohol before. Shocker! Well my dad wasn't surprised but my mom just chimes in about where do kids get this alcohol from? See, she's from a different time and didn't grow up in a big city, my dad however knows all to well how easy it is for a teenager to get "booze", his words not mine.

Oh but then my mom goes on about drugs and says "sometimes I see the effects of drugs in the way you act", I'm wondering what those signs are. But it's very much like if you only knew... I mean I'm not condoning the use of alcohol and drugs -thats a choice you have to make yourself- but like I can say I've had my fair share of good times with them.

This all relates to something bigger though. Whenever I get snarky comment from my parents my main thing is to shut down. I just don't want to tell them about anything. There is so much to the other side about me that they don't know. I just give them general answers. I guess this is just how I take criticism, once it happens -it can be from anyone- you will not get anything back from me. I'm too self aware for my own good. But getting back to the main topic, they don't know what really goes on (not that its bad) but they just don't know. Boy, I can't even believe they let me go to raves, but thats a whole other story...

Bugger

2010-09-15T21:06:00.000-04:00

It's been a while blog buddies, but all's been good in my world just busy. Whew! School started last Tuesday and its starting to get heavier. In total I have three classes after dropping and elective for a lunch. My schools bizarre computer system originally scheduled me with a spare in the morning (so I don't start until 9:30 ftw!) but then had four back to back classes. So I dropped one in the middle with two classes then lunch then my final class. Much better. Am I making sense?

Crazy with a flippin' capital 'C' has to be my Portfolio class. It is a new class this year for our school in which the students design their own projects and due dates. My chosen theme was photography/advertising so I'm going to be doing lots of photo shoots and stuff... It sounds pretty simple but until you've spent about 5 hours on the computer organizing a calendar for the semester, and project proposals you don't under stand the meaning of stressed. I don't mean to complain, but the thing is, when I went to submit the work all the teacher said was "thanks". As always for school the satisfaction and the moment of handing in completed work is low and goes by painfully fast. I'm sure its like seeing your child leave for their first day of school. Totally, 100% sure it its. So with that being said I have a total of 6 major projects to complete for that class, the first projects photo shoot takes place on friday with some friends. It should be fun.

The school environment is interesting, even though as a senior I don't feel any different. It just seems like theres more and more kids coming every year. I'm well aware that they keep coming but they are smaller and smaller every year, and thats not because I'm getting taller. But I digress. I have to say that seeing the new Grade 9's with that lost look in their eyes gives me some satisfaction, the little buggers seem to have some odd sense that they are entitled to something for coming to high school and what not...

Meh, and life goes on. If you started school/uni, how was your first day?!

Can I Just Sleep Tonight?

2010-09-08T19:22:00.000-04:00

You have to let things out or else they'll eat you up.

As opposite as having this blog, a twitter account and dailybooth are I'm still a guarded person. Reading it back that last sentence sounded ridiculous. I mean I've got three different ways to express myself yet I still call myself a private and guarded person?

In my view this all comes from the fact that there is nobody like me (read. gay) at my school. Or at least open about it. I'm sure coming back to my high school reunion 15-20 yrs down the line some ppl will come out. I mean obviously! But still not having anyone to talk to now sucks. While having close friends (female) that you can talk to about most things is nice, you still can't talk to them about everything. Its sort of the issue girls have with a guy friend, know what I'm saying.

It also should be noted that I am much more comfortable talking about all things Gay on this blog than face to face. No matter who I'm talking to, even close friends. Its frustrating. But you have to like yourself and the reaction people have of you before you truly can accept yourself. And I'm not at accepting peoples (harsh) views of me. Its like if I'm at a party and it comes out / rumor spreads that I'm gay / or am better dressed people whisper. But I can here them. I'm not crazy, honest. I don't want to be talked about behind my back, its not fair. But part of that is that I'm not 100% comfortable with myself, though I have no reason to be ashamed.

Escape To The Country

2010-09-07T08:54:00.000-04:00

This past long weekend my family and I drove up to my aunts house in northern Ontario. It was the perfect end to summer. Watching sunsets over the lake, good food and long walks with the dog. Let me tell you about this dog, or should I say puppy... Her name is Dolly and she is a 4 month old Golden Retriever, she's crazy! Just like a little kid she is full of energy, runs around everywhere and causes a ruckus. But she is so cute! I didn't take any pictures of her because I decided for this to be a tech-free weekend. So that meant no BlackBerry, no digital cam, no laptop and no I-pod. Yikes! But it wasn't so bad after all, it gave me time to relax and calm down before school starts and gets busy. As my family and I didn't really do any summer trips I thought it was a good idea to go up with them for one last summer get together.

So that brings me to school. Well I registered on August 31st but damn, thats just a money grab! $65 for a yearbook, agenda and student card, my school has to be making a good profit. My class schedule is okay, I start at 9:30 thanks to a spare! I took Geography, Photography, Communications Technology and our schools new Portfolio class. As you can see there is no lunch in there, the crazy computer didn't give me one. So I'm hopefully going to drop Comm Tech and grab lunch. F.Y.I Comm Tech isn't a required course it's an elective and all we do is go on the computers anyway!

I'll post how my first day goes and stuff on Wednesday night seeing as how I don't start until then. Our school gives the grade 9's there own first day today. Stupid if you ask me. They get all adjusted to the big new school with only them. Then the following day 900 more students pile in. Seems scarier to me that way. Oh well not my problem, I'm a senior. We rule the school. Pffft not really!

Other than that I'm really happy with how well my new site is being received. If you haven't checked it out yet look for the links in the bar on the right of the blog!

My New Site

2010-08-30T00:16:00.002-04:00

In my down time I have been 'toying around' with the development of a new Tumblr site. I made this new site after coming home from back to school shopping one day. Named Bespoke Guy its all about style and other things for guys. I have noticed over these past few years that there are not any really good magazines or sites for guys to look for style advice. So I made my own. Most is just things that I like or amuse me but I figured I'd just put it out there.

Tell me what you think! Please, I really want your feedback. Email me too if you'd like. nshp-life@hotmail.com ,tips are always welcome.

Here's the link, start at the bottom and work your way up! And scroll over the words to highlight them/make them viewable!

Bespoke Guy

Please don't take this too seriously. Because I'm not!

There's A Penis & A Vagina In A Tent

2010-08-25T16:48:00.000-04:00

This is a survey I found on 'Hey! It's my life...The life of a gay teen' Great questions mate!

(1) Something you hate about yourself.
Even after everything I said in my last post, it's my body.

(2) Something you love about yourself.
My personality!

(3) Something you have to forgive yourself for.
For being so hard on myself.

(4) Something you have to forgive someone for.
No comment.

(5) Something you hope to do in your life.
Get married and/or have kids, maybe. It just sounds so cheesy!

(6) Something you hope you never have to do.
Defend myself from a hate crime.

(7) Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Well I'm going to change that question to 'people who have made your life worth living for' and that would be my friends.

(8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Those people know who they are but we've moved on.

(9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Amber.

(10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
The preps.

(11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
A tie between my smile and what I wear.

(12) Something you never get compliments on.
Butt, but I secretly know people look! Haha.

(13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Britney Spears. I know people will say that it's a very stereotypically gay answer but it's not so much the music or the persona its more the person inside. We all know your tragic fall from grace and read US weekly and the paparazzi pictures that chronicled it. But in an industry that would rather see someone fall than rise and be successful you managed to push through all that and make a comeback. This can be applied to anybody's life really. To know that when people watch you fall and don't stick out there hand to catch you, you can do it all on your own. I mean fuck the music, I'm just glad that your not dead.

(14) A hero that has let you down. (letter)
I don't have a hero. Never really had one at all in my life. Is it sad that I don't look up to anyone? I'm just going to be me.

(15)Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
My iPod. Music is such a big part of my life and there is much, much more than Britney on there. Trust me.

(16) Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Nothing, I'm so materialistic! C'mon guys. Kidding.

(17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Eat, Pray, Love. While I haven't seen the movie the book had depth and was insightful. It really made me want to become a more spiritual person. It also taught me the notion that it doesn't necessarily have to be a God 'above' but it can be another figure/light/energy. I like that we don't all have to fall under one set of beliefs and can all be someone unique.

(18) Your views on gay marriage.
For it! Thankfully living in Canada I have that option.

(19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
See answer 17.

(20) Views on drugs and alcohol.
Pro choice. There are positives and negatives to everything. But I can tell you that I've had my share of good times and bad times with both.

(21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Drop everything and go and see them. I'm always going to be there.

(22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
I've said somethings I'm not proud of.

(23) Something you wish you had done in your life.
Gone on the school trip to Costa Rica.

(24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Click on song links to listen!

First Love - Adele
Breathe Me - Sia
Flaws And All - Beyonce
Salt Skin - Ellie Goulding
Frozen - Madonna
I Am Not A Robot - Marina & The Diamonds
Jag Vet En Dejlig Rosa - Robyn
Broken Open - Adam Lambert
Unusual You - Britney Spears

These are some of the most beautiful songs currently on my iTunes.

(25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Hope for the future.

(26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Yes. No comment.

(27) What’s the best thing going for you right now?
School, post secondary education.

(28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Thankfully that will never happen! But I would support her. Same goes if one of my friends was pregnant. I'd be an G'uncle. Gay + Uncle = G'uncle.

(29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
To be a more positive person. Being positive/putting out positive energy brings positivity back to you. Try it!

(30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself .

"I forget, what are you these days, gay or straight? Wait, let me do a little test. Okay, there's a penis and a vagina in a tent. And it's on fire. Which do you save?" -Karen Walker

Please, you and me both know which one I'd save.

Insecurities

2010-08-19T00:55:00.000-04:00

I wrote the word 'Insecurities' on a post it beside my computer to remind myself in the morning on what to blog about. But then as I lay in bed just thinking, as always, before falling asleep I needed to blog about this when it's still fresh. With me theres a lot of stigma that comes with the word. To be honest I've never truly felt attractive. When you've been overweight, had acne, had braces and gay you are one awkward child. Trust me on that one. When I was younger I was teased and as much as you want to say it, sticks and stones will break your bones. Those words stay with you forever. As parents you'd do everything to help your child over come these things because you want to see your child succeed and be happy. Such as seeing a nutritionist to help you manage your weight, taking Accutane to get rid of acne and shelling out thousands of dollars for perfectly straight teeth. So I guess I owe my parents a big thank you.

But in these last six months or so I noticed a change in me. Not only physical per-se but also spiritually. I took on the notion of liking myself. While it sounds self centred, here me out. For me it all gets down to the fact that if you don't like yourself others won't like you. Does that make sense? It's kind of like If you haven't helped yourself you can't help others. With that I said a big fuck you to the weigh scale in the bathroom and just took myself for who I was. It started to work. With that also came less want to fit in or conform with the social groups at my school. But of course lets not forget the gay stereotype of always looking good. I will tell you now that I fit that stereotype and have no problems with it. Thats the thing, It meant not wearing or trying to fit into the clothes that everybody else was wearing. It worked and when you finally realize to dress for your size you don't have as many insecurities then trying to fit into smaller clothes. Personal revelation ftw!

Then something mysterious started to appear, something that had never happened to me before. Confidence. Your feeling good, looking good and losing weight. Naturally because your not caring as much and your eating healthy. Less pressure means less stress there for less overeating. While it can be fun to pick out other peoples flaws to boost your own self confidence I found that what I was saying about others was reflecting in the way I saw myself. When I looked in the mirror the teasing and the taunting crept up again. So now when I see someone on the street I try -as in, it doesn't happen every time- to pick out someones strengths. I know it sounds all like the stuff they force down your throats at schools but it really does work. You see positives when you look at yourself in the mirror. For that I'm grateful.

Thoughts

2010-08-11T21:00:00.000-04:00

> Not to start this post off with a negative tone, but I'm surprised at the lack off comments on my 100th post, post. It's just that I put so much time into that and to have something like the Will & Grace post a while back get so many comments for so little effort put into it was interesting. I'm sure that there are those out there who do read posts but don't comment, but hey, what can you do.

> I've noticed recently that it seems 'in-fashion' for girls to have a gay best friend. I mean who wouldn't want to be friends with the all the popular girls (kidding!) but I want to be your/there/a friend because you like me as a person, not my sexual orientation. I don't want to be put on a pedestal because of 'how great a person I am to go shopping with' - there words not mine - but also don't want to be looked down upon or like an outcast. FACT: I was originally going to replace outcast with freak show, but I thought it was a bit harsh. Luckily I don't have to worry about this with my circle of friends but to the others on the outside looking in, I'm not so sure. This all stems from my detailed vantage point and this recent Teen Vogue article. Read the article then read the comments. Some very interesting debates. Btw, Henry Holland & Agyness Deyn FTW!

> After some serious deliberation I've come to my own twisted realization about drugs. Specifically Marijuana. It's all because now after smoking I tend to have panic attacks, which are interesting to say the least. I know you can get them because your stressed out or whatever and weed just enhances these negative effects. To me its because my life is a twisted web of not lies, but lets call them truth avoidances. It seems that being semi-out its more work than being closeted, which I guess is expected. I mean I still haven't told my dad, but would I say that I am gay if he asked me today? ~~Hopefully~~ Definitely. It's like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, I really want him to know, for my own sanity. But I can not predict his reaction...

New quote at the top of the blog! Ahaha

It's Been One Year...

2010-08-06T00:00:00.000-04:00

And in one year, amazing things can happen.

It all started with my first post, to say I was nervous was an understatement. But everything worked out great and everyone in the Blogging community is welcoming. Admittedly I wasn't exactly sure how much of myself I wanted to put into my blog, but after some encouraging comments I started to go deeper. Ten days into blogging and I'm already suspecting my mom knows a thing or two...

Though she wasn't the first friend I came out too my friend Alanah learned the truth and we became closer ever since, she's been amazing and I'm thankful to have her as a friend. Just Fuck It, right? Slowly, I became more comfortable with myself and came out to an additional select few friends. But this blog is all about me so (of course you knew that!) so I went on to describe my very materialistic future gay life. I have no shame.

Then it got deep, real deep. I have never spoken to or written anything like my post entitled "How Could They Not Know" it was really a revolution for me. I had those feelings for a long time, inside, and they needed to be said at some point. I'm sorry if it was a hard pill to swallow but don't worry things will get better, promise!

...Well it will get better, but first I had to deal with a No Homo issue. Though my question is still un answered. Before my mom and I headed out to the Kylie Minogue concert I made a draft of a letter I thought I would use to come out to her. More to come on that topic. But before I knew it Halloween was upon us. That was the night, while at a friends Halloween party, I met, came out too and drunkly walked home a future best friend Rachel.

The hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Mom, I'm gay.
To this day, its still bizarre.

As much as I want to say Canada, well specifically Ontario is progressive. In my town Acting Gay Is The New Straight. Thankfully I'm only stuck with it for one more year. Yes! Surprisingly the schools annual Semi-Formal wen't down with a hit and everybody had a great time. And Despite what Ethan said in the comments on that post I still looked good!

There it was, my 100th post, another amazing milestone. Though the post itself, was nothing special

After a mild boost in self confidence I decided to test the parental waters with black nail polish. It didn't go down to well. Though I liked it... So did the manicurist! Haha. The same friend who took me to get the manicure also brought me along on one of -if not- the worst dinners I have ever been through. That one still huts. She also said this...

In May, New York City amazed me. I want to go back so badly. Now I'm 17 and still holding it together. I feel like this will be my revolution year, I've already learned so much. I've met new people and especially over the summer have learned who I am.

With that, to be truthful, I tried and used several times two different drugs. One of them being Marijuana, which is pretty harmless, the other being MDMA. It changed my life, for better or worse I'm not sure of yet. You can read my experience (ahem, trip) here. If I'm going to be truthful I dont want any judgment, just so we make that clear.

One of the highlights of my summer has been spending it with amazing friends and experiencing the culture and Pride of Toronto. I plan on attending yearly and hope that people I went with will want to as well.

Plus or minus a few posts that brings us to present day. I have to say that I was a bit unsure of my Fag Hag's post because of what it consists. But when I right stuff like that and most people dont comment I feel its because I'm more mature that people my age. DONT GET ME WRONG, im not trying to sound condescending but I feel like at 17 im ready to be an adult and have the Will & Grace thing going on. Thats where that post came from, the two biggest Fag Hags on the planet Grace Adler and Karen Walker. If you havent watched the show before I suggest you do so because It was and still is a major milestone in Gay television. It was also a big part in me accepting myself and being comfortable enough to come out, to myself, and to my parents.

Who knows where this next year will take me and us. Hopefully it includes a boyfriend but thats not a deal breaker. I've got some amazing friends to share this life with and a family too. I guess I made such a big deal about this post because it symbolizes hope. A year a go I didnt have much. I could have never predicted what would of happened this year and I'm honestly happy for that. You can not experience the highs of life without going through some lows. I have learned so much about myself and others from this blog. Throughout all of this If I have said things or made comments that you have not agreed with me on, because I still have so much to learn, will you continue this journey with me?

Thank you, the readers, from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you for being there.
For the support.

Pierre.

P.S. to my closest friends; Ayan, Stacey, Alanah, Tinna and last, but not least, Rachel. I could not be the person I am today without you guys. Seriously. Much love.

Be Carful Those Pills Will Make You High

2010-07-30T22:52:00.000-04:00

As mentioned in previous posts I had my two top wisdom teeth removed on Thursday, and quite frankly it wasn't that bad. I went to the back of the long dentists office (already 30 minutes late, there fault) and was quickly hooked up with a heart rate monitor, blood pressure monitor (basically a "cuff" that goes around your arm and would inflate every 5 min) and oxygen via a tube into my nostrils. After all that they sedated me, thats the freakiest feeling in the world, trust me! Within 15 seconds of being injected with the stuff my body started feeling heavy and then your eyes close and thats it. Next thing I'm starting to wake up after a relaxing 45 minutes of surgery, thats all that happens folks. After going into a recovery room and having my blood pressure and stuff taken, just to make sure everything was okay. I left through the uber cool VIP exit that the office has, it leads right to elevators so you dont have to go through the reception. Needles to say I felt important, haha. But damn they gave me a whole bunch of drugs, including but not limited to; penicillin (for infection control), Tylenol 3, Ibuprofen and Percocet. So I was nice and pain free for the first day. I haven't even touched the Percocet because that stuff is nasty. Other than that its just a lot of maintenance to keep my mouth clean, but thats it. Thankfully! Not too much pain, so thats good too. Below is a photo of the two MONSTER teeth they took out. I plan on keeping them somewhere as a creepy reminder.

Break The Mold

2010-07-27T23:21:00.000-04:00

this is north america
this is suburbia
this is tragedy.
you are not born,
you are set into a mold.
alienated by tv, movies, radio, billboards, and school.
that is what tells you to be like.
but not anymore.
break the mold.
dont tap it with a hammer and glorify the resulting crack,
shatter the mold into a million pieces.
don't bother wiping the dust off your feet because they will only get dirty again.
do what feels right. wear what feels good. say what feels true.
live carefree, but care for others.
laugh often, but do not laugh at other's misfortune.
family.friends.relatives.co-workers.the random people you meet.
love them all, and show it.
speak your mind, do not be afraid to voice your opinion.
call me crazy, or call me paranoid... i am not embarrassed.
throw away shame and be who you want to be.
you will always regret the things you didn't say more than the stupid things you did say.
call it a rant, or call it advice,
the choice is yours to heed it or heave it.

Source

The Kids Are All Right

2010-07-25T17:03:00.000-04:00

Just got back from seeing the amazing movie 'The Kids Are All Right' with my mom.

"The story centers on a lesbian couple, Jules (Julianne Moore) and Nic (Annette Bening), who each gave birth to a child using the same anonymous sperm donor. When the eldest child, Joni (Mia Wasikowska), turns eighteen, her brother Laser (Josh Hutcherson), asks her to contact the sperm bank in order to meet their biological father, Paul (Mark Ruffalo)." -Wikipedia

Honestly that synopsis does not do the movie any justice. Its an inspiring film about love, over coming obstacles and standing up for whats right. It's one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. You all need to watch this movie. I plan on owning it when it comes out on DVD.

The downside has to be, of course, my mother. I knew what this movie was going to be about and I'm thinking that she had a limited idea. But from Jules and Nic's first kiss it was "ewwww" and "yuck"... followed by "how can a straight actor do that?" as in kiss another woman. And several other passive aggressive thoughts. That is what got to me. I repeatedly asked her how she could not just enjoy this beautiful script and take it as love. Love conquers all. It's really sad to me how somebody can be so open minded yet sometimes so narrow minded. Its so frustrating.

My plan with taking her to this movie is to start to expose her to gay culture. So I mean I guess its progress that she saw the movie, so, slowly but surely we are moving forward. After all of that when we walked out she did say that it was a really good film but I'm still unsure about that. Who knows, I have two gay-centric films at my house but im not sure I'll ever be comfortable enough to watch them with her. With those films being Shelter and Beautiful thing, you should ALL try and watch those online if you can. There amazing themselves.

Now this might be a big thing to ask but, maybe you guys should watch this movie with your parents. Especially if your planning on coming out. While it deals with two women over two men we face the same obstacles when it comes to relationships I find. Just a warning though it is rated 18A in Canada (R in the USA) and there are a few awkward sex scenes but they are crucial in developing the plot.

All in all it is a beautiful movie with a heartwarming plot.
P.S. Josh Hutcherson who plays Laser is some definite eye candy. Just for that is this movie worth watching!

Heads Will Roll

2010-07-23T17:54:00.000-04:00

'When I wake up in the morning, I feel like any other insecure 24-year-old girl. But I say "Bitch, you're Lady Gaga, you better fucking get up and walk the walk today," -Lady Gaga, Rolling Stone Magazine

It was about 4 days ago when I stumbled upon this quote in an interview Lady Gaga gave recently. While many teenagers feel they can relate to her, I find myself relating more to Madonna (how gay!) For me her music has more of a meaning esp. her older stuff, when Lady Gaga is singing about telephones and bluffin' with her muffin. I mean she makes good music but... is there a deeper message? You can kind of say the same about both Madonna and Gaga but I'll stick with Madge. Haters need not apply in the comments.

Nothing much is really going on here. Tonight I'm going to see Salt with my dad and I'm really looking forward to it. Theres something about Angelina Jolie kicking ass that incites weird feelings for me, you know, down there. Tomorrow my friends and I are planning to go to a Rave in the city so that should be amazing!

Lately I find that I have a lot of anxiety and Im not quite sure why. Well its actually been a progressive issue for the last few months. I, for sure, experienced a panic attack or two in the last two weeks, so I booked a doctors appointment for monday. Hopefully she can solve my issues. If you've never experienced a panic attack it almost seems like a heart attack. Your breathing gets very shallow, fast heart beat, your body gets hot and theres a sensation that you can feel your heart beat all over your body. Its odd and very scary. So we'll see how that goes.

Eek, only six more days until I get my wisdom teeth out. I have to say that I'm not scared at all about the procedure of them actually removing my teeth, but its the anesthesia. My greatest fear is simply not waking up. I mean so many people I know, (by that I mean celebrities, of course) dont wake up from that shit. It frightens me.

And lastly here is a video from the infamous GregoryGorgeous. Its a play on his charachter and shows his "straight" side. Rather interesting if you ask me. Check it out!

Whats your view on the video? Thanks for making it to the bottom of this long ass post!

I Think I Just Need To Have Sex

2010-07-20T23:21:00.000-04:00

Something funny, courtesy Will and Grace

JACK: You know what they say. If you don't use it, it'll fall off.

GRACE: What exactly will fall off?

JACK: I don't know. I don't know what you guys have down there.

KAREN: Oh, honey, let me explain. Imagine the most beautiful flower you've ever seen. Its petals opening as it's gently touched by the sun.

JACK: Oh.

KAREN: Now imagine a vagina next to it.

We'll Still Have The Summer After All

2010-07-18T23:23:00.000-04:00

I look at this rather large white box -the one I write in- with hope/fear/anger/intimidation /inspiration it really depends on my mood when I write. I'll admit that the odd time there has been some drunk blogging, though on those occasions you will probably get more from of me. I tend to be "more willing to share" at those times. It can be very challenging to fill this space with words. Interestingly enough most of my post ideas swirl around in my head just before I fall asleep. If theres something particularly interesting I will take to my blackberry and post via email. These posts tend to be darker because, and I have no problem admitting it. Just something to consider.

Just got back from seeing Inception with my good friend Alanah, and it was amazing. Its the first movie in a while that has kept my attention and captivated me. It has an amazing cast, the story line is excellent and the visual effects are brilliant. You all must go and see this movie, and then tell me your opinions! It didnt hurt that the theatre was filled with cute boys either, Alanah, could you tell I was looking? Haha.

Went to the beach with my friends on Saturday and it was packed full with families. As one friend put it the beach stands for everything I'm against! Ha! Couldn't have said it better myself. It seems that everyone there (well at least the guys and girls my age) seem to be there just to be seen and look pretty. But it was still fun and I got a good tan so I'm happy.

Other than that nothing much is going on the home front. Though I did re-connect with a long lost friend recently so thats been fun.

Why does it seem that all the bloggers that have been around for a while are disappearing? A la CarwinsCloset ?! Dude, if by any chance your reading this, update us all!

And btw for the one commenter that leaves comments in Chinease please use Google Translator to English before posting them here. Otherwise they will just be deleted asap. Making sense would also be beneficial.

What have you been up to this summer?

Dental Escapades

2010-07-14T23:50:00.000-04:00

Where do I begin.... Went to the dentist today and got my teeth cleaned, you know they use that painful tooth scraper thingy and then polish them and then finally floss them. This is where it starts. I had braces about 3 years ago and I now have permenant retainers on the inside of the top and bottom of my mouth. The dental hygienist (certified right?) proceeds to floss and because of the retainer you have to use a special "flosser" to pull the floss through. So she does that on the top of my mouth and it huts so much because my teeth are so close together that there are tears coming to my eyes and I accidentally bite her hand. OMFG. So thats all finally done with and I go out to the waiting room. The dentist is reviewing an x-ray I had done recently and then comes and tells me that I have to have my top wisdom teeth removed, AGAIN, after having the bottoms removed 4 years ago. I was beyond pissed off and am not looking forward to the appointment July 29th. On top of that before going into the surgery the info sheet lists that I should take 3 Advil and 2 Tylenol, I am not a horse, that will kill me. WTF is this. This is some Karen Walker shit. Though I do get prescription only Tylenol 3's so I shall be in medicated bliss for a while after, I guess. I'm just complaining because I know the pain and the ordeal of keeping my mouth clean afterwards is a pain in the ass. Once is brutal enough, twice -shits going down.

For those of you who follow my Twitter you read the whole thing play out. Isnt my life comical?! Medicated tweets start July 29th, be warned.

Who Do You Want Me To Be

2010-07-13T20:15:00.000-04:00

When I think of things and how I want to be perceived as a person, specifically a gay person I don't want to be that guy. C'mon you must know what I mean of that guy, the flamer / queen I just want to be the sexy guy. I guess that's why peoples perception of me is so important, to me. I just don't want that stigma. Thoughts?

Untitled

2010-07-10T21:59:00.000-04:00

My friends are amazing my parents obviously love me but how can I have so much love around me and in me and still feel so alone. Theres so much love in me that just wants an outlet to somebody. Im sick of spending nights alone its bullshit. I'm frustrated, sick and tired of having all of these feelings in me and just having no one to express them too. Now try explaining this to a straight girl, it doesn't exactly work. I want that person that just consumes me, someone that i can spend every waking minute thinking about. Thinking about this can eat you up, I know it has for me. It makes you not sleep too, too many nights have been spent like that. It hurts so deep inside of me.

Connect With Me

2010-07-09T21:09:00.000-04:00

Here are the various ways you can stay in touch with me, because I am so popular. Hows your summer going? Leave me some links in the comments so I can connect with YOU!

https://twitter.com/PierrePB
youtube.com/user/pierrewilliampothier
http://dailybooth.com/pierrepb

Don't Be Frightened

2010-07-05T21:50:00.002-04:00

Mom, come here and look at Kylie Minogue's new music video! Watches, notices the two men making out. Oh... Continues to see more people -both straight and gay making out- I've seen enough. Walks out of the room...

I can't embed the video due to Parlaphone (Minogue's labels request) so heres the link: All The Lovers tell me what you think in the comments below. I honestly think the video is just a display of affection and shouldn't be taken to seriously, this isn't a shock and awe tactic.

Check out my pics from Pride below! ↓ It was an amazing day with so much love. Much thanks to the friends that came for support! The highlight had to of been running into a teacher from my high school who was in the parade. We exchanged hello's and before she left she said something along the lines of If you didnt guess already then, yes i am... she was so cool and comfortable around it. For sure one of the moments I will never forget.

View With Pride

2010-07-05T21:39:00.002-04:00

Click to enlarge

David Miller, Mayor of Toronto

Toronto Police

The guys of MTV Canada's 1 Girl 5 Gays!

TV personalities Trevor Boris and Rick Mercer with philanthropist Belinda Stronach

"Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays"

Pride partiers!

*Unfortunately and to my dismay there were few semi clad men. ;)

Too Good To Be True

2010-07-04T00:03:00.001-04:00

My lack of updates the past few weeks is because frankly its summer, stuff happens but I never think to write it down. On July 1st (known to fellow Canadians as Canada Day) my friends and I displayed our patriotism by going to a rave downtown (lord knows nothing happens in my town) and it was amazing!

The evening started off when my parents and I headed downtown to see a performance of Cirque Du Soleil, the show Allegria and as much as I hate to say it the show sucked. I went in with the expectations of this amazing fucking art piece that was going to blow my mind, but alas it was no good. The higlight had to be when the stage opened to reveal a trampoline in the shape of an X and the acrobats did a series of tricks. Even though we were high up (ugh so high up my mom brought binoculars) the guys on stage were sexy! Muscles galore. We ended up leaving the performance about twenty minutes early as my parents and I were not impressed. It sounds so "stuck up" but my parents and I have seen some of their performances before and they were much better. Oh well, at least we know never to see a traveling stage show again.

After that my parents and I -in two separate cars- drove to the club location and thank god If they hadn't followed me I would have been so lost! Walking up to the door of the event you can here amazing music coming out so you know this shits gonna be good. I get inside and meet my friends and we start dancing, and we never stop all night to some of the most amazing music. There was copious amounts of bass and strobe lights. And the DJ was bomb! It was fucking amazing. Honestly blog buddies you need to get yourself to a rave and you must bring great friends to enjoy it with you. Because its Pride week in Toronto this was also an all ages pride event so a variety of people were there. Now I'm all for PDA read; public displays of affection esp. if some of the boys are as hot as they were that night, BUT, the dance floor is not that place. You dont need to be eating the skin off the next guy and putting fingers down the back of his pants. Lets just dance and trip out. Other than that the night was great!

So this all ends with my friends and I attending the Pride Parade tomorrow in downtown Toronto. It should be interesting as I've never been before, mhmmm. I'm going with people, were meeting up with people and theres going to be a lot of people downtown so were gonna do it up good! I probably going to post pictures in my next post, so look forward(?) to those soon.

Take care.

*If you made it this far, thanks for reading this long ass post!

Well...

2010-06-30T22:28:00.000-04:00

Someone who is as invested in a relationship as I am. Who makes me smile. Somebody that has a great personality. A person that my friends love too. Who's not afraid to put on there iPod and sing at the top of their lungs. Somebody to hold. Just somebody. This sat as a draft for several days before I decided to post it. Its so personal it hurts.

An Open Letter:

2010-06-27T17:46:00.000-04:00

Watching the news at the moment with coverage of the Toronto G20 meetings and the city has gone mad! There are so many protesters and so much destruction going on and for what message? The beauty of Canada is that peaceful protest is welcome, so for all the people downtown trashing stores do you at least have a message your trying to convey? You complained about the ridiculous amounts of fencing and security (all coming from our tax dollars) and now your complaining about the force thats being used on you the protesters! There should be no complaining you get what you deserve. Move on now, your time is over.

Stop The Fucking Car

2010-06-22T23:03:00.000-04:00

Well, well, well what do we have here? A rare form of karma, I believe so. Today my mom was backing out the car to drive me and my friend Ayan to another friend, Stacey's house. When she was backing up she was not paying attention and, wait for it. Backed into my dads truck leading to the door moulding of the truck to fall off. When all of this is happening my friend Ayan is walking down my street to meet us and sees the whole thing. What get's me here is the fact that my mom had the nerve to start yelling at me for not paying attention. I flipped and could not believe that she was going to blame me, so I yelled back. That made her stop talking, damn finally realized SHE was in the wrong. Even my dad asked why I didnt back the car out of the garage with me responding with the fact that I'm 17 and the new driver never mind my mom. Welcome to my life people. At least it shut her up around my friends. Ugh.

In The Zone & Out All Night

2010-06-20T21:39:00.000-04:00

When my friends and I were hanging out this past weekend our conversation took an interesting turn. Were all misfits, drugs bring us together but they dont keep us together, exclaimed one of my friends. It's so true though, my friendship with two of my closets friends is beyond that, its family. While it can be said that drugs cloud your mind for me it seems to make things clearer. I feel like I can have these deep personal thoughts and just think. Theres so many thoughts. I dont even know. Well I do know that those two are my girls for life. Fuck yes.

In other news I have two more exams to go, one tomorrow (monday) and the next on wednesday so once those are done I'm free! No more school for eight weeks. Though I desperatley need a summer job, all those hiring apply in the comments, haha.

To look and see the blogs that are receiving a lot of comments they tend to talk about there relationships and stuff like that. But that's just not happening in my life at this point, which I'm fine with. Also I usually tend to generalize stories, because a lot of shit tends to happen to me and my group of friends but that can change. You guys just have to be up to reading about it :) But just keep reading... This summer should be an interesting ride.

hugs are beautiful!

2010-06-14T16:45:00.002-04:00

To be honest, this was one of the things i was going to omit from my blog because I didnt know how personal I wanted to be. But fuck it whatever. I had fun. Last Friday was one of the most interesting friday nights ive had in a while. It was spent will fun friend and the great outdoors. My friends and I all go out on weekends and do some interesting drugs but it is amazing and we bond with so many people! Trust me when I say were safe, btw. So last friday we decided to M, so we go grab then we pop them. By the time we were done walking up the street it had hit me and fuck it was a-mazing. So Im feeling good and we start walking then im like oh fuck, i feel too fucked. but then when we got to where we were going i just sat down and was fine. Then like everybody is talking and were like intensly bonding. Thats what i loved about this drug. So If you read my twitter updates and were reading things like "this is beautiful" and "hugs are beautiful" thats why, lol. Like this night is not going to happen again, its once in a lifetime. But now i just sound way to fucked. Either way if your interested in this make sure you find two experienced people to do it with like ayan, and stacey! Thats where half of this blog comes from :)

You Only Meant Well

2010-06-13T15:42:00.000-04:00

Lately I have been thinking about the tension between me and my mom. I mean I love her right, but sometimes its way too much to handle. My reasoning behind it's that she (lets face it) is going through menopause whilst I am at the end(?) of puberty. Hormones are all over the place. Sometimes I just have to walk away. You give me attitude and I will give it right back, its hard not to. But I mean, this to shall pass.

Whats your relationship with your parents like?

ByMyself

2010-06-10T12:24:00.001-04:00

As a child with no siblings I learned to embrace and cherish being by myself. I feel that because of this I have matured faster and am more independent. I bring this up for the fact that in school everybody congregates together at the classroom door at the end of class. I just sit there, alone. I love it. I don't feel the need to always have someone at my side at all times. If I am alone in the halls in between class I just put my iPod on, its that simple, never awkward. A part of this is because I can be shy at times and don't always have the highest self confidence. Living life as an only child meant more freedoms (financially, socially, physically) but it also meant more responsibility and weight on my actions. I was always held to a higher standard, with the notion that I should know better. Call it whatever you want, introverted, condescending, but no matter who comes and goes I will happily live my life.

Truth & Focus

2010-06-07T22:06:00.000-04:00

If I where you -the reader- I would want to know that there is some truth to what I am reading. And me -as the writer- wanted it to always be like that. So I stopped. Well it was more like intermittent crap posts but lets just call it a break. It's a long story that I'm not going to get into, it was me and a friend arguing. Either way it was the first time (and the last time) that this blog will ever be used against me. Period. At this point, about three weeks ago, I knew not to write anything personal on here because said friend was reading this blog. Either way that period is over now, thankfully.

It has been hard at times not having the usual outlet for ideas running through my mind, because trust me when I say there has been a lot. With some interesting prospects... But it should be noted that I can never be 100% or feel like I can be truthful, some stuff you have to take to the grave. But alas all is well in my world so do not worry!

Thankfully it is the last few weeks of school left for me, actually I think theres something like 8 days! Craziness! I have been busy working on final assignments for different classes so that is also why this blog has been neglected.

Officially I am going to Toronto Pride this summer with some very cool and close friends so that should be fun and interesting. Its my first time, but ive heard that Toronto has one of the best Pride festivals in the world so i've got high hopes. I just need a legitimate excuse to tell my parents (read, dad) because I still have not come out to him, yet. There will be a time and a place in 2010. Its marked in the back of my brain.

Lastly, it seems that I have lost touch with blogland so I am making way more of an effort to read your blogs and comment more! I'm sorry if you -blogland- have had problems and nobody's reached out to you. I've been neglectful and that's shameful. And that was some bad rhyming. Either way I'll talk to you soon!

Separate

2010-05-31T19:31:00.002-04:00

In recent weeks I've noticed how much I don not enjoy spending time with my family. I'm not quite sure if its just a natural progression or not. Whenever they come into a room I leave, its like the maid thing where you cant be on the same floor as the persons house your cleaning. Stupid reference. It just seems that we dont have anything to talk to and I feel more uncomfortable around them than just being alone in my room. Or maybe its just the mood I'm in lately. My mom is a nagger and whenever were together she always comments on something, wether it be whos on tv or for me to go and do a chore, so I figure its best to just never be around her. Like dont you get why I'm out all weekend?

When I was in New York City I purchased a t-shirt from H&M that says "All Rumours Are True" and I wore it with passion. But I come home and my mom has a different negative reaction and insists I never wear it when I'm with her. But in my view it was stating that ALL rumours are true not just the fact that I'm gay. I didn't buy it as my coming out outfit. I would have picked something better. So the jury is still out on that...

But I cant believe I've got one more year of high school still. This prom should have been mine. Life, im ready to start now. I can't wait to move to Toronto and be on my own. Even a friend said that I belong downtown and couldnt believe that I wasnt graduating. Not to sound arrogant but I'm mature beyond my years here. You want to know what I want? I want to be living in an apartment downtown with some great friends, a boyfriend, and working my ass off in school and a job. I'm ready to start at the bottom fetching my boss coffee, I'm ready and willing.

Guarded

2010-05-28T10:13:00.003-04:00

I'm in my school's library as I type this, I jut came from my first period class and in it we watched "Valentino, The Last Emporor". While I'm not going to bore you with the fashion details, what interested me the most was Valentino himself. In the film the his partner talks about the fact that Valentino does not confide into people, not even his closest friends. His partner of over 45 years doesnt even know his deepest and darkest. He continued on to say that nobody knows his weaknesses, fears or dreams of the future. In that respect he said Valentino has ultimate control, from his self to his company.

In many ways I feel the same about myself. Again I'm not sure if it has to do with being an only chilld, but being "guarded", in my view, has it's benefits. For me and Mr. Valentino it seems to allow you to create the person you want to be regarded as rather than the person you truly are. I'm okay with that. I guess also a part of that is you cant get hurt if nobody knows anything about you? Like they cant use personal flaws against you? I'm not sure but I'm willing to figure it out. Adding to that my sometimes "Type A" personality and a need to do everything myself makes for a pretty interesting personality, no? If you've been following me since my entrance to the world of blogging at the beginning of August last year I would like your honest thoughts about me. Sometimes I think that the person I write about on here is very different than the person you would meet in real life. You guys are lucky, your experiencing a side of me that many would not see. Revel in it.

What it feels like

2010-05-23T13:23:00.003-04:00

This post has been a long time coming I feel. But I guess now's better than later.

On Friday when we came to school we were told that a boy from our school had died in car accident the night before. The school was distraught, students and teachers mourning, it was really sad. Seeing the whole school coming together during this time was inspirational. I didn't know him personally but to realize that people even if they didnt know him still respected his life and the day. Not only that but the whole community and several high schools in the area also were remembering him. It was really nice.

My friends and I aptly dedicated Justice's "We Are Your Friends" in his memory last night when we were hanging out.

With that being said, these last few days have really put everything into perspective. These past few weeks there has been a riff between me and a friend. Honestly nothing is important now, not after what happend at school (mentioned above). I'm over it, the drama, the b.s. everything. By no means will things be the same as they were previously but I'm making amends now. Everything in the past was the past. Things need to change and once that happens the ball is now in your court.

Happy Birthday

2010-05-18T22:04:00.002-04:00

Today I officially turned 17 years old. I still cant believe it, but its nothing special. Does that make sense? Its so weird to say that I'm 17 yet I still dont feel anything different. I suppose one perk is that now I officially have my licence. Other than that its the same old same old. Received lots of Happy Birthday!'s at school today with one friend even bringing in cup cakes, that was probably the best part.

Oddly every birthday seems like an accomplishment, another year. Still holding it together. Im not sure why. It just thats the way I feel right now at this point.

Well this post is scattered but I feel like its been a while since I've written a good post. I have a lot of things inside my head at this point but translating them on to here has proven difficult.

Thankfully my parents and I are taking a mini-vacation up north this upcoming long weekend. I desperately need some time to clear my head and escape. The only downside is that whenever I go away for a weekend or a week I always tend to miss the best weekends my friends have. Always.

But how are you? [You look good!] How are you doing? Let me know in the comments. I miss the interaction between writer and reader. Feedback is much appreciated. Though I do realize that when I dont post for a while or there not meaningful comments drop. Sometimes it can be hard to write things here because I know who's reading this. Anonymity is gone now as a select few friends know about this blog. Slowly all will be revealed. It just takes time.

This. Is. Insane.

2010-05-11T19:13:00.002-04:00

Leave comments!

Never underestimate

2010-05-09T10:30:00.005-04:00

"Every girl needs a GBF (gay best friend) just like she needs a pair of sunglasses or jeans that make her ten pounds lighter. But there are a few guidelines to follow if you want to ensure that the GBF relationship continues to function smoothly. Two things a girl should know right off the bat: First this should be a mutually benefitting relationship. It may seem that the girl is getting the majority of the perks here- free fashion and relationship advice, the biting wit and the self esteem boosters (these are just some of the services I offer to my stable of ladies) but this is no Queen and Servant GBF dynamic. The gays need their love too; they need to be defended and coddled and spoiled. Friendship is always a two way street. When that golden rule goes out the window, the GBF relationship often goes sour and, trust me, you do not want to piss off a gay that knows all your secrets."

An excerpt from "Classy" by Derek Blasberg (Razorbill)

"I dont like cities but I like New York"

2010-05-04T12:55:00.003-04:00

Just got back from NYC last night, it was pretty good. Emphasis on the good and not great. It was such a great cultural experience, from the food to the historic sites we visited and more. New York is such a big place and with so many things on our schedule we didnt get to spend much time at each spot. Highlights were Central Park (of course!) and the Gospal Mass in Harlem. The mass was amazing to me because they accept everyone there. Some of the people from our group were picked to go up and sing with the choir they had a blast. It was really one of those moments when you just had to go with it, those tend to be the best moments.

If you happend to catch International news you probably heard about the bomb scare in Times Square. Well, we happend to be right there during the whole thing. Our group was on our way to go and see the Phantom fo the Opera and we had to go through Times Square to get there. By the time we arrived the police had already started to block off the road, we managed to escape through and were on our way to the performance. It was like the move The Day After Tomorrow. There was chaos every where, we as a group formed a human chain and made our way through the hoards of people. It was un real, though thankfully we made it! The performance was great eventhough you could hear sirens during the entire performance. The icing on the cake, a girl sobbing after the show, prompting the entire audience to look directly at her. So funny!

Other than that I`m thinking of posting some pictures on here from the trip later in the week. Have to catch up on my sleep first though!

And if you actually read the previous posts, screw the sign off. I want this blog to be more informal than just a general journal of my everyday life. Right? Right!

The title of this post comes from a Madonna song aptly named "I love New York" on repeat the entire trip. Check. It. Out!

Weekend Recap

2010-04-25T21:36:00.002-04:00

Every weekend for the past month has been intense, dramatic and fun. This weekend was no different as you can probably imagine, I mean every sunday night basically turns into a weekend recap.

Basically the biggest news is that I got my G2! A G2 is the second step of three that you need to go through to get your licence in Ontario. For your G1 its just a written test and for your G2 its a full on driving test. I was really nervous before and the waiting inline didnt help either! But anyways I passed the road test with flying colours and so it went really well. It now means that I can drive alone as previously I had to have someone with 5 yrs of driving experience.

Of course I took out the car this weekend, I mean obviously! So on Saturday night I picked up some friends and we got all of our party supplies. I parked the car at home and we walked over to the party, it was just down the street. I was not about to drink and drive, period. This is where it starts to get fun. We were considered V.I.P at the party because me and my close group of friends knew the people hosting it really well. It just means that my friends and I were able to use a bedroom upstairs with a few other select people. We get inside the party and its packed, you've never seen a house more packed, you could barely move. We go upstairs and un-pack, start drinking, the usual. Were waiting to grab so we can smoke so were just hanging out. The dealer arrives and and we all go downstairs, it was even more packed! Now you had to push people out of the way. But it looked damn cool when my friends and I walked down the stairs. All the popular kids at our school were there but we looked cooler. It was just a different dynamic, though I could definitely get used to it.

So were smoking and drinking, getting a good buzz. A friends older sister walks in and starts chatting with us then leaves. She comes back in like 30 minutes later crying her eyes out and my friends and I are like whats happening!?! Keep in mind were all fucked by this point so its pretty intense. Either way the lights go out because somebody thought the cops showed up. But her boyfriend comes in and jumps on the bed (my friends and I were all sitting on the edges of the bed). This girl and her boyfriend have an "O.C." moment right there with all of us around. Theres crying and apologizing and the full on soaking someone with vodka. It had to be scripted, it was so good. Having this play out in front of your face is priceless.

Thats about it as it goes highlight wise for this weekend. Some fun things are coming up this week, including my friends and I going to a taping of MTV Canada's "The Aftershow" on Wednesday downtown. The school trip that I'm going on to New York city leaves this friday so it should be a pretty exciting week.

I need a new "send off" I guess I'll try some new ones out with upcoming posts. Leave comments to the one you like the most by the end of the week?

Take care.

Blog Lovin'

2010-04-20T22:28:00.002-04:00

If you view this blog directly (as in not through an RSS feed) i'm sure you've noticed some new changes. I think that this layout is more "me" right now. Clean, organized, modern its just what my life should aspire to be at the moment. The current quote is just amazing, just dont take its forwardness as ego. Read into if you will, thats why I chose it.

I removed the Blog Roll list because my personal blog roll is always changing and I like to remove out dated links. So from time to time I guess I will promote -if you will- some blogs that I like. Here are some blogs that have interested me recently make sure to check them out!

Happy Birthday to me!!!! 19 today! :)

@ Life sucks......stick to theater

A plea for Glee

@ Marked Territory

best day ever?

@ Daily Dan

A+ for Effort

2010-04-18T19:30:00.002-04:00

It all started with an school project... Film a music video, how hard can it be? Lets make it look like an episode of Skins one person says. We should do a Ke$ha inspired video another says. Ooh lets throw a party for the video, cuz that will be soo awesome!

Flashlight HOUSE PARTY/ MUSIC VIDEO

We are making a music video for school

Bring flash lights, glowsticks and dress in bright colours.

B.Y.O.B

Friday April 16th, 9 pm

We planned, planned and planned some more. As soon as school ended Friday afternoon it was "GO" time. My friends and I went over to the party house to get ready and set up. Planning on making it look like a rave we bought glow sticks, confetti, the works. We set up and then it was time to wait... People were invited, copious amounts of alcohol purchased and good music, the recipe for success.

The party started off slowly with a lot of guys, grade 9 guys showing up early. My friends and I sat and smoked with them waiting for others to arrive. Then people just started showing up, more and more and more. We didn't actually think this was going to work out, ever have one of those days were everything goes too good? Of course something happens. Thats when the night starts to blur. I remember sitting with some people and my friend (now amazing friend) Stacey was sitting close to me and was like do you want to go? You look upset. I was kind of out of it but I thought I was just high. But I apparently looked PISSED OFF! So naturally she was worried. I went and sat outside in the main room with some friends and her. I thought about what she said and started to think. I kept on looking at her and realized it. I txted Stacey even though she was right beside me and was like I think somebody spike my drink.

After re-searching and listening to everything Ayan and Stacey had said about MDMA thats what I thought I was on. The dry mouth, the weird mouth grinding etc. I was like oh ok then thats why I looked so pissed, I was so intense back there in the other room.

From there I somehow went to one of the bedrooms and sat there for a long time. Eventually word got out and everybody knew (and more people got sparked). Not only are you not prepared for whats happening to you so your panicking but I was mortified, so embarrassed. When we planned this party we invited a lot of close friends and to have them all walk into that bedroom to say hi and then look at me with that pity look was awful. Whatever, embrace the drug Stacey said so we listened to music. Thankfully I had someone beside me who was calm and just as fucked as I was.

From what I heard the party was going pretty damn good. Two high school bands played inside the house, literally fully set up, everything. How the cops didn't show up was insane. After all that all you could hear were beats, the house turned into and club at that point. All I could think was if I'm in a bedroom at the back of the house imagine how this sounds out in the main room.

Needless to say none of us who hosted this party for this project actually filmed anything, we were all so fucked. So we have to film at some point in time.

This is a much condensed version of long night, tomorrow at school will be very interesting. Moral of the story always watch your drinks, you think oh it will never happen to me but it can if your not vigilant.

Every weekend just more fucked up than the last. What will summer entail? I can hardly wait.

I'm not looking for any johnny-come-lately's

2010-04-14T21:34:00.004-04:00

I've noticed something lately, well its been over a period of time actually. "The Gay's" (LGBT) are statistically proven early adopters. Meaning we jump on/like to try new things before others, it interesting but true. I take this on as my whole life and not just with new products.

Take Twitter, I was one of the first people at my school to have it (not that I advertised it, it was pretty much shunned at first) and now friends and non friends are just jumping on. Do not go on Twitter and msg me constantly saying "follow me bitchhhh lol" repeatedly, I wont follow you -unless you follow me first- a follow for a follow right?

This is a big one. If I make plans with you do not plan on carrying them out then ditch me for someone else. I am not your back-up, got that? Or if I'm doing something and I did not invite you do not just decide to come at the last minute. Just ask if you can join, its not about being stuck up its common courtesy. Honestly.

Rant over, promise.

You think you know ... but you have NO idea

2010-04-06T21:02:00.002-04:00

There are so many thoughts that come to mind when I look at this little white box. Just waiting to be filled, its intimidating, exciting and petrifying all at the same time. As this past weekend was Easter weekend I had an extra two days off of school. I hung out with friends, went to a party or two and saw a lot of people. Looking back most details are a blur but in a really good way.

Oddly seeing so many people around made me feel lonely. I realized that being an only child and not having anyone truly close (bf intended) theres nobody I can share my life with. From travel experiences, to school life theres just nobody. While my life has been short (just 16 yrs) I have been fortunate enough to have a family that travels and is pretty cultured. In some ways I kind of want to see the world through someone else's eyes. Its the toughest at night.

The count is at 5, And if I notice you I know it's you. The list is growing, teenage girls are shrieking, Madonna is playing. Gaydar, mine's highly advanced. Some people you can just tell and some are the ones who at the High School reunion you just know will finally come out. Its fun to watch the youngins in the school halls. Me and a friend were walking during lunch and she commented "The new us". Being the suspiciously well dressed but probably gay, guy and the equally well dressed girl. I laughed.

I recently watched the highly acclaimed The September Issue, Vogues behind the scenes documentary profiling the magazine. It really re-inforced my thoughts about what I want to do for post secondary education and my life. Something in advertising sounds exciting, photography is fascinating. Last summer I started looking at design and photography blogs, some that I enjoy are; Face Hunter, Lookbook and Style Rookie. There are so many more out there just take a look and honestly would it kill teenaged girls to actually find out what fashion/style/form are. Going to cut this short as this rant could use its own post for future use. I really want to just go out and shoot some pics, can I turn this into a legitimate career? Only time will tell...

*THATS SO GAY! While I don't take offence to the saying personally I find that the over and incorrect use of it is really ignorant. Its 2010 and it's time to move on.

Of Moons, Birds and Monsters

2010-03-28T15:44:00.003-04:00

Lately I find that I have no energy to put into anything at all. From school work, to myself personally to even this blog. It's in my mind that I should do something perfect or not do it at all. So naturally its gone in the do nothing at all direction. I mean even with this blog I want to write something of quality and not just put out random crap, hence the delay in posts. Or am I just a normal teenager?

Nothing new has been going on with school, just going along day by day. Thankfully this coming week and next week are short because of Easter Weekend so I can catch up with life. Its doesn't even seem that I ever went on a vacation, we came back more stressed and not wanting to see each other than ever. On the bright side I leave for NYC at the end of April so these upcoming weeks should go by fairly quickly. My parents plan on going up north to my aunts house for that weekend and a bit im gone. Im thinking that Im going to ask my mom to talk to my dad on the way up. I feel like if she can tell him she has finally accepted it and they work things out on the long ride up. As much as I want to tell my dad I cant work up that kind of courage again. And I couldn't handle his initial reaction, it would be burned into my mind forever.

I've come to call some new people as my close friends recently and I really like out. It feels like no matter what in High School there is always someone to connect to or befriend. Its just been really great getting to know some new faces.

I recently noticed that I now have 44 followers and its amazing! To think that I started this blog talking to the world not thinking anyone was "hearing". It can only be a sign of better and brighter things in the future, right?

Currently Listening to: Sia, Breathe Me

In the Land of Perfect

2010-03-22T16:49:00.002-04:00

Far beyond the reach of cell phones and superhighways is a place called Perfect. In a town called perfect the only crime is not accepting who you are. Encounters with someone special aren't the usual. Words never sting. Every picture turns out. And love refers to something else than a man and a woman. A town where everyone gives 110%. Here the people are inviting. And even though life never gives them lemons, people still make lemonade. Where the only pressure is from the northernly breeze. In a place called perfect people rise for equality. Of course we dont live anywhere near perfect, so theres YOU, with everything needed to make a change.

Vacation Journal

2010-03-19T10:09:00.000-04:00

I'm going to post day by day on my phone, save it to drafts and then upload it all when I get home.
Day 1
So its the first night here. I have to admit I'm lonely, I miss what's happening in my home town. Living down here is very different than in north america, getting common things (I.e. A light bulb) for my room requires a lot of efford. I hate to say it but its not the vacation I expected, its a very rural place and not as nice. I just have this feeling like I want to go home. I miss my creature comforts! I hope I don't have these feelings for the rest of the trip.

Day 2
I slept for almost 12 hours because I was so exhausted from yesterdays events. This morning we went as a family to the grocery store. Very interesting as some of the prices are in local currency and others in US dollars. We got a fair bit of food and some much needed bug spray. We went to the beach afterwards. We plan on going to a different beach every day so that should be cool. Getting ready to go to an aunts house for lunch (at 3 pm!). Its almost like were on a deserted island, for example; keep the plastic bags from the grocery store as those can be used as garbage bags.

Day 3
Woke up this morning with a large mosquito bite on my forehead! It looks disgusting and red. Today we plan on spending th day at the beach and hopefully the saltwater cures that and helps clear up my skin too. Went to the beach today, ended up swimming and frolicking for hours it was pretty fun. Usually I don't burn but I guess I got delinquent about m sunscreen application so I burned on my shoulders. Liberally applied some After Sun so I shouldn't be too bad tomorrow. Its so hot here its hard to pass the time. Off to bed now.

Day 4
Today we really didn't do much. My dad had to help my grandmother get her land in order so she can sell it in future. He said it would only take an hour but in the islands you can't put a time on things! My dad got home at 1 ish and we headed to the beach for lunch. It was cloudy and I was sunburned so I didn't go swimming. Came home, started watching a marathon of my new favorite show Millionaire Matchmaker. Sooo good! Went out for ice cream after dinner which was ok. Its so hot here, I am trying to see if showering before bed helps sleeping. Plus I've got a fan on me but its still hot. Haven't made it through my english book yet, oh boy is all I have to say.

Day 5
Today the big news is that my dad was able to rent a hotel room on another island for us to stay one night. Pretty major seeing as it should have air conditioning!!! It works out well seeing as we will be departing for Toronto from that island as well. It may sound superficial but the weather was 35deg Celsius feeling like 42deg. Its too damn hot. At least the car has air conditioning so there's some relief when driving. We went to another beautiful beach the water was really warm and we had a great time. Two more nights then air conditioning! Now, back to Lauren Conrad's "Sweet Little Lies".
Day 6
Today we had planned to go to the beach after lunch but... My grandmother is preparing to sell her land so she had a lawyer draw up some papers. She went with my dad (who said it would only take a half hour) to get them. It took them an hour and a half. I joked and said that to my dad. Well grandma bitched and complained while getting out of the car thinking I was talking to her. "I'm never going on a trip with you guys again. You annoy me!" And slammed the door. Please. I'm 16 I'm the one who should be slamming doors. You have to realize that this is our vacation and you chose to come along. There's more but its way too long. Sleep tight, off to St Martin tomorrow!

Day 7
O-M-G I thought I lost my passport, that would have been a nightmare! We had to rush back home, missing our ferry but there will be one in 30 minutes so its not that bad. Scared my self, that passport is my life basically.

My bags are packed, I'm ready to go

2010-03-11T21:53:00.002-05:00

This officially marks around 24 hours until I leave for vacation! My family and I leave EARLY saturday morning, destined for St. Martin, Netherlands Antillies. Luckily we have some relatives down there so it should be pretty good. Were going to go to the beach, hang out with family, relax, it should be really good. The only thing that sucks is were not at a resort so there isn't entertainments 24/7 and it will be more laid back. But other than that I've got 2 books to read; Frankenstein for english class and I bought something lighter Lauren Conrad's Sweet Little Lies, its her second book. Joke all you want, as lame/gay/stupid as it may sound these books are pretty amazing and there light reads. I really just want to rest this break, its been much needed.

Im not sure how it will go with posting, but there will be many twitter updates so look out for those.

Other than that I hope you all have a good March Break and I'll see you in a few weeks!

Dare to dream?

2010-03-08T17:42:00.002-05:00

I've been asked this question a lot lately, do you like anyone, you must like someone?! Its interesting because the idea for this post came about after reading Mashiro's blog. For some reason I want to be a very private person. Or I am already. I just feel that privacy is something to be cherished especially with all the technology we have. Theres Facebook, Twitter etc. Your always in communication, but do I want to say anything? Either way I have a few people that I am interested in but I never tell anybody about it when asked. Rachel is the only one who knows, we confide a lot to each other. Either way I feel that as the police say; anything you say can and will be used against you. I mean my school is big but it's not BIG. The way the bitches gossip, if I say something it could be embarrassing.

As soon as you say i'm gay to a friend there always like I know this guy who's my friends sisters friend and you two would be perfect for each other! NO. People and straight guys esp. need to know that just because you/they have a dick I am not necessarily attracted to them.

I guess Mashiro this is a long response to your post. I just wanted to add my two cents.

Um so yah

2010-03-03T20:53:00.002-05:00

Went to the doctors today, pretty normal visit and then... "Your mom told me about your sexuality and how you haven't talked to your dad" (I started shaking) "I can talk to him if you want" NO!

I feel like I can fight my own "battles" and this is something I have to do. I don't know how I got the courage to tell my mom but its not here anymore. I will tell him at some point but im not sure when that point is. Im surprised my mom hasnt told my dad herself, I wouldnt mind.

I need advice.

"Dont worry, straight girls love gay guys"

2010-02-28T17:13:00.003-05:00

Yes, yes, yes that all to familiar saying lately around me. I dont really know how to say it without coming off as an ass but girls love me. Truth be told, I love it too. It seems to me that the more people I come out to (mostly girls, a few guys) are even more talkative to me than before. So far that has made it a pretty positive experience. I feel that a lot of people think about "what team I play for" and are kind of awkward around me. But then once they know, things are cool. We know where we stand. Its like yes, I will talk about everything around you, I can act stupid around you. Im not trying so hard. I mean obviously this is more girls than guys but I dont really mind having more girl friends than guy friends.

Other than that one of the limited "benefits" is being able to understand both sides. I know how the girl feels (and how they over think things) and how the guy feels (I dont give a damn) so I guess im pretty good to talk to. With the rate some people are going I know there whole life stories. People just feel the need to confide stuff to me, its odd but interesting at the same time.

I heard the title of this post coming out of my friend Rachels mouth when she was talking about introducing me to some people. It was kind of awkward for her to say that. I mean I dont just want to be known as THE gay guy. Sometimes I dont give a shit about how your hair looks. Meh.

Like I love "my" girls. There funny. But I draw the line at doing something inappropriate around me and your boyfreind and just saying (to your boyfriend) "its ok, he's gay". I HAVE SEEN SOME FREAKY SHIT. stuff you only do behind closed doors!

Finally I just want to say that: I think it's that I've seen most of the girls boobs before there boyfriends have. Exactly why I say I've see some freaky shit. There's a whole lot more where that came from.

This post is a mess, there are so many thoughts and there just being spit out on here, sorry.

*congratulations for reading this far, you get a gold star!

Whats your answer?

2010-02-23T12:34:00.001-05:00

She looks like a dinosaur*

2010-02-21T17:15:00.003-05:00

I spent last week hearing and collecting a bunch of stories that happened at "the party" last sunday. The general consensus is: I was opening and closing a door while talking to a couple and laughing, I had water spilled on me and didnt even realize I was wet, I FINISHED a bag of nachos and finally I went to sleep on someones bed and woke up on the floor (with a pillow) in another room. As my friend Stacey put it "I think next time we'll get a little less fucked, just a little"

It seems like things are starting to (kind of) fall in place. My new classes for this semester are great, meeting some new people and theres a whole bunch of events in the coming months, (March Break: St. Martin, New York City trip, Concert) so it should be good. I really want to make this a good year.

*Went out to dinner with Rachel last night for her birthday. Had some fun, saw lots of high schoolers trying to act like adults and getting non-alcoholic cocktails, while we on the other hand were being offered alcohol left right and centre. We got dressed up and I think thats why they thought we were adults(?)

Theres not much else going on here, just some school projects and I have to complete Memoirs of a Geisha for next week. Im half way there and still have like 200 pages to go. Kill. Me. Now.

take care

We, are, your friends

2010-02-15T19:54:00.003-05:00

As I type this I am getting over what I guess you could call my first hang over? Its been a day of feeling nauseous, tired and disoriented. But was it all worth it?

Last night started pretty good. The party we were suppose to go to on Saturday got pushed to Sunday but not a big deal. Some friends and I pre-drank at my house then we got a ride to the party. We were unfortunately the first people at the party (hate that) but it soon picked up. A friend asked that I make a CD of "fist-pumping beats" so with the help of my friends Ayan and Stacey we made an awesome CD. Popped in the CD and got the party started.

People piled in eventually, we all got pretty drunk... There were some highlights in my mind, but I always wonder am I over thinking things too much? Or is it because im wasted when these encounters occur?

So Im sure most teenagers have tried drugs at some point, its natural to be curious. The party was starting to pick up when I was smoking a bowl and since we were inside you had to blow it out the back door. I was blowing it out when MFH (my future husband) was outside and was like "what the fuck, your smoking!?!" with this big grin. In my head I was like yes, ooh yes! Though I hate to say it I sort of dont feel so great about that encounter. Frankly I dont mind the smoking or the fact that he commented on it (loved that part) but I think the reason was that I had to smoke weed for him to notice me and like talk to me like a friend. Doesnt a personality count or does it have to be influenced by alcohol, drugs etc?

The second high light would have to be when a random guy who goes to my school shook my hand when he was welcoming people when he got to the party. I really think theres this general understanding or thought between all the high school boys that I am gay so they usually are really paranoid around me. But he walked up to me and just shook my hand, and it was a good shake, just the right length, not awkwardly long. He looked me in the eyes and said "hey man, hows it going". I dont know if it was because I was fucked out of my mind but it was electric. Like dont be freaked out about me. I just want to be treated normally. In my mind it was almost like a movie (or the alcohol made it seem like that). When he shook my hand behind him went blurry, it was like one of those scenes where the camera moves around and its like slow motion. So good but awkward at the same time. And there are no "feelings" whatsoever towards this person, just saying.

It was a pretty fun night, I dont remember much, the last thing I did was pass out on somebody's bed only to wake up in another completely different bed. I didnt get much sleep, woke up feeling like shit. It was just like a Ke$ha song. My two friends and I stayed at the party house until like 10 this morning, I dont know why. Seeing as how we left without helping to clean up but meh.

Im sure there was more to this night but right now this is all I can remember. Until I go to school tomorrow I dont know what else I did. So that should be something to look forward to...

Babe pick a night to come out and play...

2010-02-11T21:45:00.003-05:00

I was really thinking about what to put in this post and its come down to one thing: I dont want to post "crap", like every day repetitive stuff. I want my posts to mean something...

Sadly in the other direction, heres a rundown of my weekend (hopefully)

Friday: Venture downtown with a friend to meet her boyfriend, have some laughs

Saturday: Go to a "show" in town featuring local bands, then head to an awesome party afterwards not coming home until drunkenly telling off one of the preppy girls who gives bitchy looks to everybody. (you all know the type of girl!)

Sunday: Hang out with some friends, chill -if you will-

Monday: In Ontario we have this thing called Family Day, so everybody gets it off from school work etc. I plan on hanging out some more and recuperating, from my awesome weekend.

If you absolutely have to keep up with my rousing weekend follow my tweets or check them in the side bar. Thats about it from now, I'll have a post up on monday night as a recap.

Have a good weekend, xx

Some (Late) New Years Resolutions

2010-02-08T20:30:00.003-05:00

Stand up to bullying, in and out of school. If you're a victim, tell your guidance counselor or teacher. If you're comfortable, tell your parents. There is no reason to sit in silence any longer as you're teased and tormented. And if you happen to witness someone else being bullied? Stand up for this person, even if he won't. Report the harassment, and follow up. You could change your classmate's life.

Have your first kiss. It's a terrible thing to leave high school and head to college without getting your first queer smooch. We're not saying get to third base here, but if you find someone you fancy, and they're receptive, give it a go. And then learn about the risks of doing anything more than kissing.

Give yourself a history lesson. There's a reason you can be a 14-year-old boy and say you're "interested in: men" on Facebook, and that's because of the LGBT heroes, from pre-Stonewallers like Bayard Rustin to the Dan Chois of today, who refused to let little things like sexuality and gender identity get in the way of humanity. Learn about these people, and how history is on our side. Particularly because your textbooks won't.

Meet Justin Bieber. Jonas who?

Source: Queerty, http://www.queerty.com/queertys-new-years-resolutions-for-tweens-and-teens-20100104/#ixzz0ezwkRVPv