Heavy Cross

How do you judge your place in the world? What makes you feel special, needed or wanted? For me it has always been interacting with people. Granted I love my alone time, at a needs certain point there to be some dialogue between others.


Basically, when I don't see friends or do something I feel devalued or less credible. Its a sense of my self worth depends on my importance in other peoples lives. Is that weird? Its like every summer I always felt that everybody was doing something but me, and I was kind of left in the dust. I've experienced the "its a girls night only" well what do you want me to do when I'm the only guy? Well its gotten to the point where I want to be desired in life and the lives of others. I'm tired of only being called upon when someone needs something, from advice to a ride home. I know that people come to me because they can trust me, but how do I trust them?


This past summer I've called my Summer Of Nothing, no partying, only hanging out with a few friends and mostly working. I've learned a lot about myself, and how a job in fast food really makes me want to go to University and study hard! A friend told me that this was her year/summer of growing up, I can really relate to that. So much has happened in her life, but so much is also happening to our age group. From some of us moving out, to starting  university to beginning our lives. We're growing up. Just some at different rates.


I'm excited for university, excited to be challenged both educationally and personally. Personally because its damn time I found a boyfriend. I cringe when I write that, because I seem so needy but Its true. Hell until I bring a boy home I don't think my parents will fully believe that I'm gay. Ahaha. 


Frosh week is coming up in a few weeks and then we hit the ground running with classes. Not much is going to happen up until then. I'll check in with you soon.